Types
of Moms & their impact:
1.
The
Phantom Ps 22:9 “Yet you brought me safely from
my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.”
without this kind of trust that comes from a mom that is not the
‘phantom’ there will be a lack of attachment.. page 25 themes… Result: child cannot develop an attachment to
his mother that fosters his/her emotional ability to become a truly relational
person. Shallowness in relationship, aloofness, withdrawal, mistrust, hostility
and aggression or… overvaluation of relationship – codependency/ people
pleasing, negative relationships (abusive, etc). spiritual: trusting God,
emotional: there is no expectation that good will come eventually.. because comfort
and reassurance never happened from mom repeatedly.. read I hate you, don’t
leave me – page 37… Process of
healing: the problem isn’t that we don’t
feel right. It’s that we truly aren’t right. Something is broken or undeveloped
inside our heart and soul. Pain is always the sign of a deeper problem., much
like a fever (thermometer) is sign
of an infection. Must get to the root….
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, a bad tree cannot bear good fruit…….. be aware of your pain – it leads to the root
of the problem.
2.
The
China Doll: Catastrophizing (simple things became a life-threatening issue),
withdrawing (esp when child is emotional), over identifying, regressing (becomes
a child herself), smothering & hovering, shaming, reacting in anger
often Impact: anxiety/ panic, clings
dependently, gets enraged - difficulty managing emotions, deep depression,
care-taking, withdrawal, career snags, life skills - choke on basic life
decisions, rigid thinking styles
3.
The
Controller – do not foster healthy independence, assertion of child’s will,
intentionality (ability to initiate and follow through) and separateness
(moving from ‘we’ to ‘I’). Child does not learn to say ‘no’ in a healthy way –
boundaries. Struggle with identity – desires, dreams, opinions, likes and
dislikes. How do they control? Mom gives silence/ ignore which is
interpreted as abandonment, loss of love, rejection. She attacks/ expresses
anger inappropriately. Being unaccepted is interpreted as “my individuality is
the enemy, so I will destroy it” , another is a lack of healthy structure –
things are unpredictable, unsafe, NOT secure. Impact on us: inability to say ‘no’, we become controlling
like mom – don’t understand freedom in relationships at all, fear of intimacy
and commitment – maybe you finally feel ok about ‘you’ and you don’t want to
lose ‘you’, codependency – it’s a boundaries problem – shouldering
responsibility of someone else and getting hurt in the process, functional
problems – can’t seem to take responsibility/ ownership for our life, tasks,
talents and consequences, disorganization: it has always been done ‘for you’,
delay of gratification – if everything has been done for you, you can’t
persevere and keep going when it just doesn’t feel good or becomes hard to
reach a goal, irresponsibility, emotional problems – there’s a lot of pain
associated with being controlled and the damages done – depression,
powerlessness, hopelessness, addictions and impulse problems, isolation,
anxiety, panic, blaming.
The way out:
Know your defining traits (get to know you)–
Extrovert or introvert, task-oriented or
relationship-oriented, active or passive, review your family background and
what you agree with, aspects you have adopted that are ‘not’ you, what do you
like and dislike in friendships?, strengths, weaknesses, what makes you angry/
upset?
4.
The
Trophy – mom can’t accept and deal with the “bad” parts of me. Breeds
perfectionism. She denies bad behavior/ sin.. discounts feelings ‘you are not
really sad/ mad”.. discounts behavior that is unacceptable to her “your bad
grades aren’t your fault, it’s that horrible school.”… this mom can create a narcissism and
arrogance in the child.. child is
actually forced to deny some realities about herself or take those realities to
someone else besides mom. Other specific
symptoms/ results: hiding failure, shame, guilt, difficulty feeling close and
safe with God. Other things to help
those coming from this mother in healing: confession, learn to love less than
the ideal (in you and others), rework what the ideal is, accept failure,
repent, pray a lot – the search for the ‘real’/ authentic self is definitely a
spiritual one, respond positively to love, watch for fears and resistance to
that love – embrace them, confess them to God and to others as you allow them
to help you overcome.
5.
The
Still-the-Boss – much like the controller…
this child becomes a ‘permanent child’..
if the adult child is unable to get the mom out of the parental role
they desire.. they most often cut all ties.
6.
The
American Express – the mom who never lets go. She loves being the first source
of everything for the child and into adult life. Source of wisdom, discipline,
friendship, teaching, values, and many more…. It is a satisfying and rewarding
role for mom – however, it is supposed to end. She has difficulty preparing her
child for life, and then letting go of the life she has created. Results of
this kind of mothering: “mother me, please – how dare you mother me”, “take
care of me, stop controlling me.” Adult avoids adulthood in many ways.. not
growing up – being consumed with hobbies or fun and resenting responsibilities,
if we get close to someone that is ‘mothering’.. we will abandon that person in
reliving what should have happened with mother as a healthy separation, avoidance,
care-taking, sometimes trouble managing life tasks – budgeting/ finances,
insurance – figure out your own vacations not relying on mom and her purse $,
do your own laundry, etc, living out
mom’s dream rather than your own, high codependency with mom. How to break out: set boundaries by receiving
favors, not needs, decide how you will help and receive help that is healthy,
learn from your anger – you have some, find it and address it
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