THE LIES WE BELIEVE - Religious/God Lies Part 2

LIES WE BELIEVE – RELIGIOUS/GOD LIES (PART 2)

Review from last week…

Lie #1 God's Love Must Be Earned

#2 God Hates the Sin & the Sinner

#3 Because I’m a Christian, God will protect me from pain & suffering

#4  All My Problems Are Caused by My Sins

#5 It Is My Christian Duty to Meet All the Needs of Others

 “A good Christian never says NO.”

        Review Characteristics of Codependency (audio)

Caretaking Versus
Caring For/ Caregiving

1. When I caretake, I assume responsibility for meeting the needs of others -- even those needs which they should meet without me.
When I care for, I do not do for others what they can and should do for themselves. I do for others what they truly need me to do.
2. When I caretake, I feel responsible for the feelings of others. If they are happy, I take credit; if they are sad, it is my fault.
When I care for, I recognize that my behavior affects others. However, I know that it is their reaction to my behavior that produces their feelings. Therefore, I do not assume responsibility for the emotional states of others.
3. When I caretake, I expect others to live up to my expectations "for their own good." If they do not do it my way, I get upset. When I care for, I make no demands of others. If their behavior goes against my advice, I do not become upset.
4. When I caretake, I often try to control and manipulate others into doing things "my way." If it turns out right, I can take the credit; but if it turns out wrong, I feel guilty or else blame others. When I care for, I do not control. I give others the freedom to make their own mistakes and experience no guilt or blame when they do.
5. When I caretake, I focus so much on the needs of others that I neglect my own needs -- maybe even lose a healthy sense of what my needs are. When I care for, I remain alert to my needs and consider meeting my own needs as important as meeting the needs of others.
6. When I caretake, I see others as an extension of myself.
Therefore, I do not really see them for themselves; I see them for myself. I have lost my boundaries in the relationship. When I care for, I retain a sense of my own boundaries. I can see other people for who they are in themselves.
7. When I caretake, I often feel tired, burdened, and resentful because so much of my personal energy is tied up in the welfare of others.
When I care for, I feel relaxed, free, and peaceful because I have more energy within myself.
8. When I caretake, I do not love others. When I care for, I truly love others.

NOTE -- Codependency should not be confused with unselfish acts of love – that is why the Holy Spirit must be our guide in giving/serving and evaluating of our motives.  DISCUSS

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?


Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

Was Jesus a Codependent?

Many would answer "Yes" based on the following characteristics of Jesus that are typical of codependents:

• Jesus was selfless.
• Jesus was a servant.
• Jesus gave up his life for others.
• Jesus cared deeply about people who were hurting.
• Jesus tried to fix hurting people.

All those characteristics fit Jesus; however, Jesus was NOT a codependent. He was able to care, sacrifice, give, love, and help in a healthy rather than a codependent way. Consider the following:

• Jesus was selfless by giving himself over to God's will but not the will of those he served. Even though he surrendered his own desires to God, he never lost sight of who he was (the Son of God) and what his mission was (to bring salvation to mankind). Codependents lose themselves and their purpose.
• Jesus was a servant, but he only did things for people that helped them to better themselves. His service was a demonstration of God's love that always pointed them to a better way. He wasn't a doormat, nor was he controlled by the demands of those he served. Codependents are driven by the demands of others.
• Jesus gave up his actual life for others when it was the appointed time. Prior to that even though he ministered to others daily, he took care of himself. He rested. He took time to nurture his relationship with God and his close disciples. He ate. And, he had boundaries that protected him when people tried to harm him prematurely. Codependents don't take care of themselves.
• Jesus cared deeply about the people who were hurting emotionally, spiritually, and physically and that concern propelled him to help. However, he didn't allow it to keep him from holding people accountable for their sin; therefore, he wasn't an enabler. Codependents concern for the hurting leads to enabling.
• Jesus tried to fix hurting people by offering them eternal life and the truth about God, but he didn't try to force them to accept it. When people turned him down, he allowed them to walk away because he respected their right to make their own choices. Codependents try to force people to do what they think is right.

So even though it appears that Jesus was the first Christian codependent, he was not; instead, he was a perfect example of how to care for others in a healthy way.

Take heart.. listen to the word of the Lord... the burdens you bear as it relates to relationships/ especially those that are unhealthy..
God's will and provision:
 

Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

THE LIES WE BELIEVE - Religious/God Lies Part 1

LIES WE BELIEVE – RELIGIOUS/GOD LIES (PART 1)

"Our minds are stuck in a rut, a pattern of thinking that is antagonistic to the will of God. Successful Christian lving depends on getting out of the rut and establishing another one that is characterized by biblical values and ways of thinking" ~Doug Moo

Listen to the audio for full lesson....

 

Lie #1 God's Love Must Be Earned

  Overcoming it:

  1. The Word -- 

Ephesians 2:8
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

2 Timothy 1:9
He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

  2. Community

  3. Pay attention to how often God does loving things when you are not necessarily living your life properly

Lie #2 God Hates the Sin & the Sinner

Lie #3 Because I’m a Christian, God will protect me from pain & suffering

Being a Christian means more troubles for two reasons:

-        we are asked to die to our selfish desires & live for God on HIS terms

-        we will be persecuted for standing up for Christ by a world that rejects Him.

Both inescapable realities make it a difficult life to live.

Lie #4  All My Problems Are Caused by My Sins

#5 It Is My Christian Duty to Meet All the Needs of Others

 “A good Christian never says NO.”

The Compulsion to Fix the Dysfunctional Family: Minirth and Meier tell us: "We all possess a primal need to recreate the familiar, the original family situation, even if the familiar, the situation, is destructive and painful" (Ibid., p. 65). Why would anyone want to recreate a painful situation? Because we are compelled by our unconscious minds that actually control (we are told) eighty percent of our decisions (apparently without our conscious knowledge; Ibid., p. 65). But why would we "unconsciously" choose to put ourselves through such pain? Consider the following three reasons given by followers of codependency:
(a) We believe that if the original situation can be drummed back into existence, this time around we can fix it. We can cure the pain. We know we can! The codependent possesses a powerful need to go back and fix what was wrong; he must cure the original pain.
(b) We believe that we were responsible for the rotten original family; therefore, we must be punished -- we deserve pain. Codependents may actually be hooked on misery.
(c) We believe that there is that yearning for the familiar and the secure. Even if the past was painful, at least it was home.

        Characteristics of Codependency

1. External reference. Codependents are focused on other people as the source of their happiness and/or pain.

2. Controlling behavior. Because other people are responsible for the codependent's happiness, codependents attempt to influence these others to act approvingly toward the codependent. Several strategies are employed:
a. People-pleasing. Doing what the' other likes or wants, even when the codependent does not feel like doing it or when it goes against his or her values.
b. Caretaking or enabling behavior. Doing for others what they can and should do for themselves. Taking over the responsibilities of others and lying for others.
c. Approval-seeking. Doing or saying what will impress others to gain their approval -- even if it means exaggerating or being dishonest.
d. Nagging and criticizing. If others cannot be influenced through people-pleasing, caretaking, and approval-seeking behavior, then the codependent attempts to influence them through shame and disapproval.

3. Emotional pain. Codependents are usually afraid of losing the persons upon whom they are focused. They also feel guilty about some of their people-pleasing and caretaking behaviors. They are hurt, angry, and resentful toward others because of the way these others treat them. They feel a sense of inadequacy and failure because they are frequently rejected. And finally, they feel very lonely.

4. Rigid defense system. Instead of openly expressing their inner pain, codependents distort this pain through defensive strategies that minimize the seriousness of their predicament. They deny and minimize their problems, attack those who question them about their feelings, blame others (such as the children) for their unhealthy relationship, rationalize and justify their situation, or simply remain silent about what's going on inside themselves. As a result of these defenses, codependents get no relief from their emotional pain and continue to accumulate fear, guilt, shame, and resentment. They are very miserable inside and frequently resort to addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, and so forth) to deal with this pain.

5. Delusional beliefs. Codependents believe that the relationship is "not all that bad" and "will get better." Even after being abused many times by another, they think, "This time he really means it!" They also believe that eventually they will be successful at controlling others if they can find the right combination of enabling, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking behaviors.

6. Loss of self As a result of focusing on others, denying themselves, compromising their values, and holding their pain inside, codependents eventually lose touch with their own inner dynamism. This loss of self, in turn, moves them to focus more intently on getting other people to give them what they lack inside, mainly self-esteem and self-love. Because one person cannot give another self-esteem and self-love, the codependent's loss of self only intensifies.

7. Martyr complex. In an attempt to salvage a sense of self- worth, codependents sometimes view themselves as victims and martyrs. Lacking self-love, they use self-pity as a way to assuage their inner pain. When others say, "I don't know how you can live with him; you must be a saint," codependents feel validated as martyrs.

To be continued.... Part 2 .. Next week

GROUP WORK – RELIGIOUS/ GOD LIES

1.    As you consider where your religious/ God lies have come from – where/ who do you believe you received your perception from the most? 

2.    Discuss the lies presented tonight and how you personally relate or do not relate to them:

#1 God's Love Must Be Earned

  If you have believed this in the past, how have you or are you overcoming it?

#2 God Hates the Sin & the Sinner

#3 Because I’m a Christian, God will protect me from pain & suffering

#4  All My Problems Are Caused by My Sins

#5 It Is My Christian Duty to Meet All the Needs of Others

 “A good Christian never says NO.” – Discuss the information presented on codependency.  Characteristics, caretaking vs caregiving, was Jesus a codependent?