THE LIES WE BELIEVE - Self Lies (Part 2)

LIES WE BELIEVE – SELF LIES (PART 2)

These are the brief notes... content in its entirety is in the audio.

“Nothing is so easy as to deceive one’s self; for what we wish we readily believe” – Demosthenes

EXAMPLES OF SELF LIES

·        My worth is determined by my performance; THEREFORE, I must be perfect.

·        I can’t help the way I am

·        I must have everyone’s or at the very least ‘certain others’ love and approval

·        It’s easier to avoid problems than to face them

·        Physical beauty matters more than inner beauty

·        I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings

·        My unhappiness is someone else’s fault; THEREFORE, I can’t be happy unless things go my way.

Lie #1 My worth is determined by my performance; THEREFORE, I must be perfect.

What are the characteristics of a perfectionist?

Dr. David Burns' definition: “I do not mean the healthy pursuit of excellence by men and women who take genuine pleasure in striving to meet high standards. Without concern for quality, life would seem shallow; true accomplishment would be rare. The perfectionists are those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason, people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their self-worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment.”

Overcoming Perfectionism:

1.   Accept that perfectionism is self defeating. 

Beating it will demand that you.. …

2.   Allow yourself to make the same mistakes that other mortals make.

3.   focus on doing your best and not worrying how you compare to others.

4.   let good enough b good enough.

5.   be willing to see mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow rather than a launching pad for self-hate and condemnation.

6.   focus on making progress toward a goal rather than demanding to be right now

 

Lie #2  I must have everyone’s or at the very least ‘certain others’ love and approval

Lie #3  It’s easier to avoid problems than to face them

The Road Less Traveled: “Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, hoping that they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist…We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them.”

What are some examples of how this plays out in people’s lives?

Lie #4  My unhappiness is someone else’s fault; THEREFORE, I can’t be happy unless things go my way.

What are some of the hurtful labels many of us grew up with that we are attempting to shake?

Where did they come from? 

A parent, yourself, spouse, sibling, employer, physical characteristics, former failures, childhood peers/ comments

Changing our thoughts starts with finding out what we think about most….

What do you think about and dwell on the most?

Your needs,  plans,  fears,  future,  rights,  wishes,  failures,

Body,  insecurities,  pride,   faith,  family,  situations,  others needs,  the condition of our world, the past

Hosea 2:14-20 (Amplified Bible)—Personalize these passages

14Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel] and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.
    15There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.^(A)
    16And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].
    17For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.
    18And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.
    19And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.
    20I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

$20 exercise

    Final statement :  Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.. priceless to the God who created you..  

The worth/ significance of our lives comes not in what we do, who we know, or what people think, but by WHO WE ARE!

          We are fully accepted -  fully loved..  no matter what we’ve done or what has been done to us…  Our value and worth has not changed!!!   We are significant in Christ!!!!

May we be people who acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses – men and women who are dependent on and radically alive for God!

May we not be afraid to weep.

May we be strong and gentle leaders.

May we pray deeply from the depths of our souls and allow the God of the Universe who created us .. meet us in that place.

May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with the truth!

May we never hesitate to let God’s passion push us, compel us, and righteous anger energize us.

May we be dangerous women – Women who sing songs of joy and talk down fear!!! – knowing who we are in Him!!!

Group Work – Self-Lies

1.  Lie #1, I Must Be Perfect:  Share about a time in your life past or present that is evidence of this lie possibly being active in your life.

2.  Lie #2, I Must Have Everyone’s Love and Approval:  Discuss ways this lie would present itself in the lives of people in our churches, the work place, our families.

3.  Lie #3, It is easier to Avoid Problems than to Face Them:

Discuss the negative impact of not facing problems.

4. Lie #4, I Can’t Be Happy Unless Things Go My Way:  This lie can be a little less obvious than the others and can challenge our long time belief that people ‘make’ us feel and react in certain ways.  Discuss the challenge this presents to all of us and what your prior understanding has been.

5.  Share the labels you have carried with you throughout your life and where they came from.

Homework: 

Look up the following and write out a corresponding ‘truth label’ for you.

2 cor 5:17, Eph 1:7-8, 2 Tim 1:7, col 2:9-10, Phil 4:13, Zeph 3:17, ro 8:17, col 3:12, 1 Pet 2:9-10

KNOW YOURSELF THAT YOU MAY KNOW GOD

THE PATHWAY TO HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY - LESSON 8

KNOW YOURSELF THAT YOU MAY KNOW GOD - THE TEMPTATION TOWARD A FALSE SELF

Luke 4:1-13 – Jesus’ temptations in the wilderness outline three false identities or masks that Satan offers each of us.  These thoughts come from Pastor Peter Scazzero. 

Temptation #1 – “I am what I do” (performance)

In Mathew 4:3, the devil said to Jesus “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread”.   In reality, our culture asks us the same question:  we are challenged about ‘who we are’ by ‘what we do’.  What contribution have you made?  What have you achieved? How have you demonstrated your usefulness?  What do you do?  We define ourselves the way the world defines us – by our successes – how you do in work, school, church, etc.  How many letters to you have after your name?  Even the church has fallen prey to this lie..many are not able to minister because they don't have certain 'degrees'.

It is possible that when we don’t see ourselves as successful in certain areas, be may work harder and faster, or.. we may turn inward and become depressed out of shame or perhaps we’ll blame others for our lack of success.  Earthly success is one of Satan’s temptations to get us to buy into a false self – he gets us to believe that we can find our worth and value outside of God and His amazing love!

Temptation #2 – “I am what I have” (possessions)

Jesus was taken to see all the magnificence and power of the earth.  The devil basically said to him “Look around you at what everyone else has, you don’t have anything.  How can you think you are somebody? How will you survive? You’re a nobody”.  The devil played on profound issues of fear and the source of his security as a human being. 

Our culture measures our success by what we own.  And the media seduces us into buying more and promises the hope of feeling and believing we have value and worth because of it..   We have to have certain cars, a certain size house, gadgets, toys, ipods, even a certain type of phone!!!  It’s all about comparison…. We compare – who has the most money/ stuff, who has the best education, body, talents, awards, even who has the best looking girlfriend/ boyfriend, wife/ husband.  We look at all of these things like they are trophies and hope they will make us feel good about who we are.  Inevitably, we are left empty.  We must all get to the place where we can define ourselves as one immensely loved by God and find our personal worth in Him, who says of us, “we are his children, whom He loves, and whom He is well pleased”. Matthew 3:17

Our possessions, talents and applause from other people will never be sufficient for security!  - surrendering our will to the Father is the way to find God’s love as the true anchor for who we are!

Temptation #3 – “I am what others think” (popularity)

Some of us are addicted to what people think.. and we have become people-pleasers.  Satan invited Jesus to throw himself down from the highest spot of the temple that people might believe in him.  At this point, people did not think anything of Jesus.  He was, in effect, pretty much invisible.  So...How in the world could he believe/ think he had value?  Ever felt that way before? Invisible.. no one really knows who you are.. no one really cares.  For many of us, that doesn’t change unless……… unless we get that compliment and then our self-image soars!!  And on the down side… we get that criticism… and all of a sudden we are devastated and our self-worth plummets! 

True freedom comes when we no longer need to be somebody special in other people’s eyes.  Freedom will come when we know we are lovable and simply ‘good enough’ because God says so!

To summarize the temptations/ lies we buy into -- The book, Search for Significance which we teach classes on puts it this way:  the world’s system’s equation is:

My Performance + Others Opinions = My Significance/Value

What a lie!  And this lie is destroying many people’s lives..  Do you like biographies?  Read about the life of Joe DiMaggio, Sheila Walsh from the 700 Club – singer, writer, I mentioned the life of Hybel’s wife in the last lesson.  In these cases as is the case in many of our lives, the false self has become such a part of who we are that we don’t even realize it.  

The consequences are: fear, self-protection, possessiveness, manipulation, self-destructive tendencies, self-promotion, self-indulgence, jealousy.

FINDING YOUR TRUE SELF

So.. how do we find our authentic self?  We need to take the time for discovery.  As homework this week begin to write some things out about yourself and be as specific as possible.   

What are your likes and dislikes? write about your personality – introvert/extrovert, temperament, what are your beliefs about the things of life, what is the unique vision/ calling/ mission God has you on in this life? – there is probably more than one but try to write a mission statement for your life.  Corporations do this all the time.. even churches.  Do it!

Jesus—almost everyone had expectations of him, or a false self, to impose on his life.  He lived faithfully to his true self and by doing so, he disappointed a lot of people.  But.. he was secure in himself and his Father’s love – thus, he was able to withstand the enormous pressure of others’ expectations. 

-        He disappointed his family of origin (see Mark 3:21)

-        He disappointed the people he grew up with in Nazareth (see Luke 4:38-29).  When he declared who he was, they tried to push him over a cliff.  Have you ever experienced rejection in your own family? neighborhood? with your close friends? - 'a prophet is without honor in his own town' .. you have the answers but no one is listening.. they don't believe in you or trust your judgment.  They can hear the same thing from someone else and all of a sudden it is great life changing wisdom.

-        He disappointed his closest friends – the 12 apostles 

-        He disappointed the religious leaders 

Nonetheless, in all the disappointing, Jesus stayed true to Himself and was able to maintain a non-anxious presence and confidence despite  the great stress. Jesus was not selfless or selfish.  He had a mature, healthy ‘true self’.  

John 13

 ² The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. ³ Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; ⁴ so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵ After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. 
 

Yes.. Jesus knew who He was, where He was going and what His purpose was.. He was authentic and confident just as He calls us to be.

The pressure is on us to live a life that is not our own – live a false self.  It is a battle we must win in order to be people who are healthy spiritually and be a true disciple of Christ.

TEST – On a scale from 0 – 100 – 100 being Jesus Christ and His being able to experience his ‘true self’, where might you place yourself on the scale?  

0….25…..50….75…..100

DEVELOPING OUR AUTHENTIC SELF

1.    Pay attention to your interior world in silence and solitude

2.    Find trusted companions – a sponsor/ accountability partners/ mentors.  We need others to be involved because the warfare, pressure of the world and the lies we believe are great.

3.    Be prepared to move out of your comfort zone – dying to your false self and allowing the true self to come out is going to be uncomfortable and at times, challenging.  Keep reminding yourself as you go through the awkwardness of trying and ‘being’ different, that the greatest gift you give the world is being your true self living in loving union with God. 

4.    Pray for Courage – and then pray some more… ‘courage is fear that has said its prayers’ is a definition I came across many years ago.  – so true!  You will need to courage to continue down this path.. interestingly, there will be people around you that don’t like the changes you are making and they will be verbal about it or simply begin to treat you differently.  There may be opposition from them in three stages (from Murray Bowen, originator of the term differentiation).  

-        Stage one: “you are wrong for changing and here are the reasons why”

-        Stage two: “change back and we will accept you again”

-        Stage three: “If you don’t change back, these are the consequences” (which they usually share with you)

I remember very well when I was going through my changes and how my family and friends reacted to it.  Friends: ‘I liked you better when you drank’.  ‘next thing you’ll be telling us you’re a Jesus freak’.  Family: set boundaries with them on substance abuse – thankfully they understood and accommodated and thankfully, many made some positive changes in their lives eventually.  I also realize that who I am / my relationship with Christ causes some to misjudge me – for some reason, my very presence causes them to feel that I am ‘judging’ them… or expressing my beliefs and opinions makes them feel that way even though I in no way point a finger at them. People will reject us simply because the Holy Spirit is in us.... this makes them feel convicted and uncomfortable.

As we change, we must be willing to tolerate the discomfort necessary for growth.  Pray for the Holy Spirit’s power to withstand rejections and to continue on.  In some cases, you will be challenging deep generational patterns so expect some strong emotions and spiritual warfare!

Hang in there!  The journey will have some turns and bumps in the road but finding the ‘real you’ and our ‘real God’ is worth it!

THE PATHWAY TO HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY - LESSON 8 – GROUP WORK   “BECOMING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF & THE TEMPTATION TOWARD A FALSE SELF”

Share experiences in doing the Homework from a couple of weeks ago:   pick one of these categories and practice .. Journal, share, express your feelings about:   1.        the church (your church/ the Body of Christ)  2. your life (this encompasses a lot – your work, ministry, character)  3. the different relationships you have (spouse, friends, family members, children)

1.       Of the 3 temptations, which do you identify with most?

2.  Go over test results

3.  Go through the 4 Steps in becoming your ‘authentic self’ and discuss each as it relates to you personally and what you will do with the steps over the next month.

-        Pay attention to your interior world in silence and solitude

-        Find trusted companions – a sponsor/ accountability partners/ mentors. 

-        Move out of your comfort zone

-        Pray for Courage