THE LIES WE BELIEVE - Self Lies (Part 2)

LIES WE BELIEVE – SELF LIES (PART 2)

These are the brief notes... content in its entirety is in the audio.

“Nothing is so easy as to deceive one’s self; for what we wish we readily believe” – Demosthenes

EXAMPLES OF SELF LIES

·        My worth is determined by my performance; THEREFORE, I must be perfect.

·        I can’t help the way I am

·        I must have everyone’s or at the very least ‘certain others’ love and approval

·        It’s easier to avoid problems than to face them

·        Physical beauty matters more than inner beauty

·        I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings

·        My unhappiness is someone else’s fault; THEREFORE, I can’t be happy unless things go my way.

Lie #1 My worth is determined by my performance; THEREFORE, I must be perfect.

What are the characteristics of a perfectionist?

Dr. David Burns' definition: “I do not mean the healthy pursuit of excellence by men and women who take genuine pleasure in striving to meet high standards. Without concern for quality, life would seem shallow; true accomplishment would be rare. The perfectionists are those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason, people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their self-worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment.”

Overcoming Perfectionism:

1.   Accept that perfectionism is self defeating. 

Beating it will demand that you.. …

2.   Allow yourself to make the same mistakes that other mortals make.

3.   focus on doing your best and not worrying how you compare to others.

4.   let good enough b good enough.

5.   be willing to see mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow rather than a launching pad for self-hate and condemnation.

6.   focus on making progress toward a goal rather than demanding to be right now

 

Lie #2  I must have everyone’s or at the very least ‘certain others’ love and approval

Lie #3  It’s easier to avoid problems than to face them

The Road Less Traveled: “Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, hoping that they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist…We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them.”

What are some examples of how this plays out in people’s lives?

Lie #4  My unhappiness is someone else’s fault; THEREFORE, I can’t be happy unless things go my way.

What are some of the hurtful labels many of us grew up with that we are attempting to shake?

Where did they come from? 

A parent, yourself, spouse, sibling, employer, physical characteristics, former failures, childhood peers/ comments

Changing our thoughts starts with finding out what we think about most….

What do you think about and dwell on the most?

Your needs,  plans,  fears,  future,  rights,  wishes,  failures,

Body,  insecurities,  pride,   faith,  family,  situations,  others needs,  the condition of our world, the past

Hosea 2:14-20 (Amplified Bible)—Personalize these passages

14Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel] and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.
    15There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.^(A)
    16And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].
    17For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.
    18And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.
    19And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.
    20I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

$20 exercise

    Final statement :  Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.. priceless to the God who created you..  

The worth/ significance of our lives comes not in what we do, who we know, or what people think, but by WHO WE ARE!

          We are fully accepted -  fully loved..  no matter what we’ve done or what has been done to us…  Our value and worth has not changed!!!   We are significant in Christ!!!!

May we be people who acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses – men and women who are dependent on and radically alive for God!

May we not be afraid to weep.

May we be strong and gentle leaders.

May we pray deeply from the depths of our souls and allow the God of the Universe who created us .. meet us in that place.

May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with the truth!

May we never hesitate to let God’s passion push us, compel us, and righteous anger energize us.

May we be dangerous women – Women who sing songs of joy and talk down fear!!! – knowing who we are in Him!!!

Group Work – Self-Lies

1.  Lie #1, I Must Be Perfect:  Share about a time in your life past or present that is evidence of this lie possibly being active in your life.

2.  Lie #2, I Must Have Everyone’s Love and Approval:  Discuss ways this lie would present itself in the lives of people in our churches, the work place, our families.

3.  Lie #3, It is easier to Avoid Problems than to Face Them:

Discuss the negative impact of not facing problems.

4. Lie #4, I Can’t Be Happy Unless Things Go My Way:  This lie can be a little less obvious than the others and can challenge our long time belief that people ‘make’ us feel and react in certain ways.  Discuss the challenge this presents to all of us and what your prior understanding has been.

5.  Share the labels you have carried with you throughout your life and where they came from.

Homework: 

Look up the following and write out a corresponding ‘truth label’ for you.

2 cor 5:17, Eph 1:7-8, 2 Tim 1:7, col 2:9-10, Phil 4:13, Zeph 3:17, ro 8:17, col 3:12, 1 Pet 2:9-10

THE LIES WE BELIEVE - Self Lies: Part 1

 THE BIG SEARCH - listen to audio version for details & information missing in these notes

Where do we begin?

If I asked those of you here tonight to raise your hand if you really like yourself – I believe very few of you would raise your hand.  Sad to say but the research on this topic proves that Christians and non-Christians alike have great difficulty in this area of self-worth/ value/ significance. 

Neil Anderson, well known Christian author and psychologist estimates that there are only about 8-15% of the evangelical Christian community is living a free & productive life in Christ (def – have meaningful devotions, experience God, know who they are in Christ, & are bearing the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience etc…..)  How tragic!!!! – only 8-15%   perspective  50 people  - only 7!!   Another stat that will blow you away..  research indicates that 95% of us dislike ourselves by the time we are age 7..  and.. 97% of Hollywood stars would change something about themselves if they could.  This is so prevalent in our society that there is now a website you can go to and be whoever you want to me – enter into the fantasy world of  secondlife.com

The research on this topic in the secular area of psychology concurs with Anderson’s findings…that very few people in this world get to a place they call ‘self – actualization’ – define.. 

 Have you experienced identity theft? Experienced a self-worth /significance theft?...  Perhaps you have been…

          Robbed by Relationships?  (negative/ destructive relationships)

          Mugged by the Mirror?   (we just don’t measure up)

          Stolen by Success?  (trying to earn it)

          Pick-Pocketed by the Past? (hurts, bad choices)

 Yes.. identity theft – robbed of our significance!!!  

         

We don’t have to live a carnal, self-defeated, in bondage, kind of life – we can live a liberated, free, abundant life in Christ – a life of significance!! – we can be a people who live courageously for Christ!!! 

My prayer for us tonight is a prayer the apostle Paul prayed in Eph 3:17-19 TLB  "May our roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love: and may we be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep and how high this love really is; and to experience this love for ourselves, though it is so great that we will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it.  And so at last we will be filled up with God Himself!”

WOW!  THAT’S SIGNFICANCE!

  

Summarize our goals for Tonight (4 T’s) – where are we headed?  : 

Utilize the

TELESCOPE of the Holy Spirit -- to look inside our hearts – take a realistic look at what we believe and who we think we are and who we really are.

TRUTH – seek, acknowledge & embrace the truth of what the H.S. reveals – don’t run from it.. avoid it, deny it.

TANGIBLE TOOLS – “real / concrete” tools to fight this battle & walk away with some practical steps to take on this journey to significance 

    Realize the TREASURE – discovery of who we really are/ who we are meant to be…... 

  

if our emotional, spiritual, physical and relational needs have been met (discussed in prior weeks) – there has been no trauma or brokenness in your life – no absence of good things… Type A & Type B Traumas – …. You have developed wholeness/ health/ significance… 

Some beliefs we have when we are experiencing wholeness are…. 

·        I can do things.  I can actually do some things well.

·        I am accepted.

·        I am loved.

·        I have personality.

·        I have value.

Define some terms for you to clear up any confusion you may have…

Self-Esteem -  gained from what we do..  I can do things.  I can do some things well  

Self-Identity -– personality, likes dislikes, opinions, values

      discuss Scripture that says I am crucified with Christ…I disappear?? Explain.   No  we reject compliments. can’t receive  

Self-Image – How we think others see us (what is their perception of you?)

Self-Worth --  value. Significance

God-Esteem

How do you think most people would respond to the question:  what is significance and where does it come from?  Most couldn’t define it and they might say how they believe you get it…… “Being a good mom”   ‘being a good person and doing good things”   “making a difference in the world”   “doing my job well and taking care of my family”

The world teaches us the following equation:

 Significance/ Self-Worth/ Value = Performance (what we do) + Others’ Opinions (what others think or say about us)

God says something different.. in  Psalm 8 (amplified version)

 1O LORD, our Lord, how excellent (majestic and glorious) is Your name in all the earth! You have set Your glory on [or above] the heavens.

    2Out of the mouths of babes and unweaned infants You have established strength because of Your foes, that You might silence the enemy and the avenger.^(A)
    3When I view and consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained and established,
    4What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of [earthborn] man that You care for him?
    5Yet You have made him but a little lower than heavenly beings], and You have crowned him with glory and honor.
    6You made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet:^(B)

How could we possibly get to a place of believing this…  and how about what He says in Ps 139..

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 1 O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.

 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
 4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
 5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.
 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.
 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,"
 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.
 13 For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.
 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.
 15 My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.
 17 How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!
 18 Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

 Where do we begin?  How do we change?  How can we get this.. whole deal of significance right?

 First , we have to utilize the…

I.  TELESCOPE of the Holy Spirit – what is a telescope? “grouping of lenses that permit observation” – we want to give the HS permission to look inside our hearts – to observe our present & our past – to search us. -- (verse we used last week)  Ps 139 vs 23 & 24 is our prayer for today – let’s say it together  “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you/ makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life

       --  anything in me that offends You/ makes you sad…pretty easy for us to realize and say –find the stuff that offends you isn’t it.. some of us in this room have been taught that the evidence of true humility in a person’s life is to think of yourself as ‘lower than worm sweat’.. Old hymn.. “o Lord what a worm am I”…. LIES! – something that we may not have thought about is that the lies we believe – offend a Holy God – a God of truth.  We don’t see it as offending God at all if we say..  “I’m nothing – I’m a nobody – I have no value/ no significance - but it does!” 

II.  TRUTH – John 8:32  “you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free” – Explain ‘truth’…  could be the truth of our ‘problem’ – identifying what it is and why it is what it is… 

For example some of the problems/ traps we fall into if we struggle in this area of significance are:  (these come from the book S for S by Robert McGee – class, group offered at LCC )

  * The Performance Trap – “I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself”

         

  * Approval Addict – “I must be approved / accepted by certain others to feel good about myself.”

   * The Blame Game – Those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished..   I blame others for my being the way I am.. It's their fault I am this way..   If they would only... "   "

   * Shame – “I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless.”   Shames says "I am a mistake".. not..  " I make mistakes'

 When God made us – we are His creation coming from Adam & Eve -- Gen 3:1-6 – Adam & Eve were the greatest achievement in God’s creation. – VERY GOOD! – everything else was ‘good’.  But humans – were very good! – made in God’s image.  They were perfect in every way.  They were successful, happy, and full of self-worth/ significance.  All of it came crashing down when Satan’s deception gave birth to sin in their lives.  They lost their self-worth because the sin of rebellion separated them from God which they have passed on to all who have come after them .. me and you… We too are guilty of not trusting God to meet our need for love and acceptance.  Why?

I believe that some of it has to do with ignorance, lack of training and information, it also has to do with sins that were committed against us at very vulnerable times in our lives (causes a lack of trust) or choices we have made based upon lies we believe - independence.  All of which create brokenness of heart – brokenness of the perfect image given to us by God – His thumbprint so to speak on our lives.

         

Examples THAT mar our significance/ value/worth..

           rejected – sometimes by those closest to us – a parent shows favoritism – siblings – peers – a spouse/ boyfriend

  we fail – perfectionist – we fail again – bad choices – hurt ourselves & others

          victim of abuse – we are horribly hurt or traumatized

           publicly humiliated – feel inferior because I am made fun of --appearance, grades, economic status –

I am a mistake…  I am bad!  Different than everyone else..

We then attempt to fix the brokenness on our own:  

PERFORMANCE -- can’t keep it up –we withdraw from risks, we manipulate to hide our imperfections or attempts to succeed. 

We attempt to become the best employee, the best friend, the best Mom, wife, the best Christian etc..   my story.. 

APPROVAL-- we become Pleasers – high in guilt, high in love

  codependency: losing oneself in others – your children, your spouse – don’t know how to say ‘no’  Gal 1:10 – Living Translation “Obviously, I’m not trying to be a people pleaser! NO, I a trying to please God.  If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant.”  WOW – that’s strong  --

we begin to withdraw from others or we have superficial relationships – lack of intimacy ‘in to me see’ – we won’t allow it (no one knows the REAL you – shut down emotionally – wear a mask or…  we come Controllers – low in love, low in guilt – protect our image –  Jeckell & Hyde syndrome

BLAME GAME - withdraw from God and others – blame everyone else for personal failures in order to protect the ‘mouse-sized’ esteem we have left.  Walk around with a chip on our shoulder.. anger smoldering just beneath the service….

SHAME – isolation – hide – or.. have superficial relationships at best -- attempt to change outward appearance – ‘The Swan’ tv show – plastic surgery

·        Deep sense of Inferiority -  

                       

·        Habitually Destructive Behavior –

·        Self-pity –

·        Passivity –

·        Isolation and withdrawal –

·        Loss of Creativity – (talents stifled)

·        Codependent relationships –

·        Despising our appearance –

 Scripture says:  “We will know the truth & the truth will make us free”

 What is freedom?  Liberty – not enslaved or imprisoned – to untangle

Tonight I want you to be able to start taking the path in becoming free of seeking your security and purpose from worldly sources – personal success, status, beauty, wealth and the approval of others – which does NOT equal significance!

“freedom” – to do whatever I want? – NO – for most of us.. freedom = I no longer have to do what I always did! - = bondage

TOOLS –

Biblical Examples – Moses, Abraham, Esther, Deborah, Paul, Gideon

  How can we change?  How did they change? Knowledge isn’t enough to produce change – even tho identifying the problem is half the battle, how do we get to the solution?  Even knowledge about God or memorizing Scripture – it isn’t enough ..  Human beings are relational, physical, emotional and spiritual beings.  We develop and learn when we put ourselves in an environment of growth which includes all the elements of honesty, affirming relationships in community, right thinking, the ministry of the Holy Spirit and time.  Then……we practice patience and persistence. 'Keep showing up'!!!

One tool that is similar to the one you were introduced to at our first class was this:

 1.  Identify the lies you believe and why..

2.    Use the truth model (write down the discovery):

          T   Trigger Event – life situation that happens to us..  sometimes a ‘nickel event’ can go up to a $500 event – we are stirred up – triggered and there is more emotion there than the situation warrants or.. we lose perspective…    if this happens it will lead to…

          R  W Rong thinking - Thoughts about the event.  Perception, unrealistic thinking, faulty thinking

U  Unhealthy Response – Emotional reaction, could be an action that is not objective/ unhealthy – lash out / withdraw/ act out..   

          T   Truth about the situation (get outside input /counsel if needed) Challenge the R with truth.  Ask yourself.. ask God  What is the truth?  Meditate on His response.. listen..  

          H  Healthy Response/ reaction  --maturity begins to be the reward of thinking and meditating on the truth..  This is not about positive thinking .. it is about truth thinking…  some things will have to be made known to us experientially however, Book: Nice girls don’t change the world – by Lynne Hybels --  depression – living her life through her husband – fulfilling her duty for Christ – burn out by performance…  ‘she had an experience with Christ – changed her forever – we all need to experience truth in this way’ .. 

her words: ‘Knowing oneself loved by God is not a matter of knowing about God’s love.  It’s not a matter of saying the right words or even claiming the right beliefs.  It’s about something that happens on a level deeper than words and ideas and knowledge and thoughts.  It’s something that gets inside someone’s soul and never leaves’..

You see it is His love that will change us… It is experiencing God – experiencing Jesus – experiencing the Holy Spirit..  We WILL get up from that moment changed forever! 

IV. TREASURE – discovery of who we really are..  Significance means – fully loving and accepting ourselves because we are completely loved and accepted by God. 

God’s equation is Significance/ Self-Worth = God’s Truth About You..  PERIOD…  Hebrews 10:10  we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.  “Because by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.”  What we are doing in this treasure discovery is peeling away at the things that keep us from genuinely knowing the truth that already is…  we just don’t believe it..  so, we peel away the lies – one by one..

2 Thes 1:2  – The Message..  “Our God gives you everything you need, makes you everything you’re to be.”

What some of us fear more than anything else is each other!  We fear that someone else’s success may make us look bad.  Fear others’ choices because they may invalidate my choices.  We fear getting close because if people really know what’s inside, they will reject us. We fear being exposed – fear the unknown…

If we are going to  live courageously for God – we have to begin to trust….  If we are going to be people of significance –we must delve deeply into the truth of who we are, ground ourselves daily in the healing and empowering love of God……..

          We are fully accepted -  fully loved..  no matter what we’ve done or what has been done to us…  Our value and worth has not changed!!!   We are significant in Christ!!!!

May we be people who acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses – men and women who are dependent on and radically alive for God!

May we not be afraid to weep.

May we be strong and gentle leaders.

May we pray deeply from the depths of our souls and allow the God of the Universe who created us .. meet us in that place.

May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with the truth!

May we never hesitate to let God’s passion push us, compel us, and righteous anger energize us.

May we be dangerous men & women – Men & Women who sing songs of joy and talk down fear!!! – knowing who we are in Him!!!

 

GROUP WORK

SELF LIES (PART 1)

1.       What is the world’s equation for our value? How does this equation get internalized by us?

2.       Discuss the different definitions shared tonight – any 'ah ha' moments…  share 1-2 of what you personally believe about yourself currently in each of these.

3.       What are the traps we fall into if we do not have the proper view of  ‘self’?  Which traps do you identify with the most?

        Performance, Approval, Blame, Shame

4.       Share your experience in personal inventory – (Utilizing the telescope of the Holy Spirit).  Have you spend time recently on this and identified lies?

THE LIES WE BELIEVE - Worldly Lies by Robbie Sedgeman

Worldly Lies

Most of our emotional struggles, relationship difficulties and spiritual setbacks are caused by the lies we believe.   We’ve believed these lies for so long that they appear to be true.  This class is aimed at challenging your thinking.  Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” 

What do you really believe and why?  Recognize that we all have assumptions that play in our minds.  Are your assumptions based on truth, God’s truth, or do you believe them simply because you learned them throughout your life or because other people believe them?   I’m sure you’ve heard or read the following many times:

Grab for the gusto

Look out for number one

Do your own thing

If it feels good, do it

Follow your feelings

You deserve to be happy

Are these worldly concepts true?  Are they realistic and practical for every day living?  No, they’re not, but it can be hard to let go of these concepts.  I much rather do whatever I want to do and whatever makes me happy than to exercise self-control and be concerned with how I impact others.  But as good as it seems in the short-term, in the long run, these lies are much more than harmless – they are dangerous and can destroy our lives.  Think about what would happen if you did whatever you wanted to do whenever you wanted to do it.   What would your relationships look like?  How about your job – would your boss understand your desire to do your own thing?

It can be hard and painful to look at ourselves and what we believe, but it is worth it.  To live emotionally and spiritually healthy lives, our thinking needs to be as truthful as possible.  Let’s look at six more worldly lies.

You can have it all

This lie tells us we can have all the fullness of everything in life – all at once, too.  A woman can have a high-powered job, a fantastic marriage, wonderful children, organize the neighborhood barbeque and help in church on the weekends, all the while staying in shape, eating right and having just the right clothes and make-up.  It sounds absorb on paper, but most of us live as if this were achievable.  We get upset if we have to choose between the promotion at work and spending more time at home or between that chocolate cake and those few extra pounds we’d like to lose.  Speaking of diets – there is a multi-million dollar industry that proclaims dieting to be easy.  Eat all you want and then take a few pills at night and watch the pounds melt away.  If you’ve tried that, you know it doesn’t work.  Let’s look at why.

Life is all about choices.  For every ‘yes’ there is a corresponding ‘no.’   If you say yes to that chocolate cake, you are saying no to losing a pound this week.  If you say yes to volunteering this Saturday, you are saying no to some other activity.  We cannot be in two places at the same time, so we have to choose.

The reality is that we cannot have it all, but if we still believe we can, we will become resentful at the choices we have to make.  Instead of accepting the choice, we will emotionally and mentally fight it and become angry at the person we believe is forcing us to choose.  Or we will become angry at ourselves, thinking if we had more energy or will power, we could do it all.  Whether we internalize or externalize our frustration, the end result is a bitter, unhappy person who is never satisfied with what they have and do.  King Solomon was a man who had as much as it is possible for any human to have:  kingship, hundred of wives and concubines, wealth beyond measure, fame and popularity, wisdom and ability.  Yet in the end he found it wanting.  In Ecclesiastes 1:14, King Solomon says, “I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind.”

The destructive result of this lie is ungratefulness and dissatisfaction.  It cheapens life, making us anxiously live for the future rather than appreciating and enjoying the present.  A man named Isaac Bickerstaffe said, ‘If I am content with little, enough is as good as a feast.’  1 Timothy 6:6-8 says, ‘Godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.’    

You shouldn’t have to wait for what you want

Closely related to the ‘you can have it all’ lie is the belief that we should not have to wait for what we want.  We want instant gratification and our western society provides us with fuel for that fire.  We have fast food restaurants.  But that isn’t enough, we don’t want to spend the time getting out of our cars and entering the restaurant, so we have drive-throughs.  I have heard many people, including Christians, say they do not need to wait for marriage to have sex…as long as they care about the person, it is OK, they claim.  People go on liquid diets to quickly lose the extra weight.  We hate waiting in line – anywhere!  People bail out on their relationships without giving them an adequate chance because they believe they have a right to be happy and in a fairy tale relationship right now.  How many of us have gotten into serious debt because we made purchases on credit rather than waiting until we earned the money?  And here’s a final one that might hit close to home:  how often do you start speaking before waiting for the other person to finish speaking?  We want to express our thoughts and opinions now rather than listen to another’s thoughts.

This lie contributes to the dissatisfaction of the ‘we can have it all’ lie.  It also has destructive consequences such as the burden of debt or unplanned pregnancies or strained relationships.    Patience and delayed gratification appears to be a lost art in our society.  But Galations 6:7-8 says, ‘Do not be deceived:  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows.  The one who sows to please his sinful natured, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.’

My worth is determined by my performance

Our culture is obsessed with performance.  We want to know how much money people make, how many ‘A’s a student receives, how many home runs a ball player makes and on and on.  We often measure performance by the outward outcome.  For example, a person who has a fancy car or a big house is often thought to have a better job than a person in a smaller house – and sometimes it’s assumed they have a better life!  So many people are driven to achieve ‘success’ in business, which means a higher paying or more prestigious job.

We often believe that accumulation of material goods and achievement are an outward sign to the world that we are successful.  And that success translates into worthwhile lives.  We all struggle with this lie that our performance determines our worth.  If we are performing well, we feel good about ourselves, but if we fail or don’t live up to our expectations, we belittle ourselves.  But God says we are worthwhile regardless of what we do.  We have permanent worth in God because he made us and designed us to be like him.  Psalm 139:13-14 says, ‘For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.’

Life should be easy

We have so many conveniences for every day living – dishwashers, microwave ovens, garage door openers, automatic can openers.  Washers and dryers are so commonplace that we consider them, along with most of the other conveniences we enjoy, to be necessities.  We can’t recall a time when they were not available and so they have risen to ‘must have’ status.  We feel we are owed these modern machines.  The danger in this lie is that it easily slips into a demand that life become easier and easier.  And so we become frustrated and angry if our refrigerator breaks down or if we have to work on the weekend.

This irritation points to our natural tendency to minimize pain and maximize pleasure.  And that leads us to run from problems that need to be faced, and so they fester and become toxic, impacting our lives and relationships.  It is hard to face the truth that life is difficult.  Who doesn’t want an easy, carefree existence?  But reality dictates that is an unrealistic goal.  In John 16:33, Jesus said, ‘I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.

When we try to mold life into our ideal, we simply frustrate ourselves, often becoming resentful and bitter and depressed.  Willingness to refute this lie with the truth will lead to freedom from those toxic emotions.  If you find yourself struggling with bitterness and/or depression, this lie might be one you are still hanging onto.

Life should be fair

How often have you heard those words:  It’s not fair!  How often have you said them, bitterly resenting the fact that you ‘lost out’ in some way?  Although intellectually we know that life is not fair – and our parents most likely told us so many times – we still walk out our daily lives with the underlying assumption that life really should be fair.  So rather than accepting it and moving on, we often emotionally fight against the unfairness.   It could be at work when someone less deserving receives a promotion and we become angry.  Or our brother received more of our parents’ time and attention and we so still don’t get talk to him.  Or the table next to you at one of your favorite restaurants received their food first even though they ordered after you!

You can free yourself from this sometimes imperceptible lie:

·         acknowledge that life is not fair

·         allow yourself to feel hurt and angry

·         decide whether to takes steps to correct the unfairness or whether to forgive and let it go

Emotions are good and they allow us to express the truth.  The truth is that we will sometimes be hurt by the unfairness of life and we will feel that pain.  That’s OK – it’s good to feel the pain of unfairness rather than to hold onto resentment and revenge.  And after we have worked through some of the pain, we can make a rational decision as to whether this particular unfairness can be corrected.  If it can, we should take action to do so.  But if it is not feasible, it is time to let it go and forgive whoever treated you unfairly.

We have a choice.  We can remain the victim of unfairness, stuck in a cycle of defeat.  Or we can return evil for evil – perhaps holding onto resentment for decades in an attempt to punish the person who treated us unfairly.  Or we can make the only choice that leads to true freedom:  to forgive and move on.

People are basically good

This is a popular lie, so prevalent in today’s culture that we often feel like an unkind person if we oppose it.  But the fact is that people are basically selfish, self-centered, dishonest and deceitful.  As it states in Jeremiah 17:9, ‘The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?’   And in Matthew 15:19, ‘For out of the heart comes evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony and slander.’

We see it played out everyday – from ruthless dictators to the person who pushes past you to get the better place in line.  That is not pleasant news to swallow – because that means that we, in addition to our fellow man, are basically looking out for number one.  But it is a realistic, healthy view of mankind.  It doesn’t mean that we distrust everyone we meet.  It simply means that we balance our assumption of goodness with a healthy does of skepticism.  Practically, this means allowing the goodness or self-centeredness to become apparent in a person.  Don’t blindly assume someone has your best interests at heart.  You may find yourself used or terribly disappointed.  Instead, allow them the opportunity to show you with their actions that they have your best interests in mind.   Give them room to display their goodness, but don’t turn a blind eye to their actions.  This will help build healthy relationships based on truth and freedom.

Questions

1.        Share an incident from this week using the growth work exercise:

a.  State the event

b. Assign a value ($1 - $500)

c.  Whose fault – yours or theirs

d. Self talk

e.  Response – physical & emotional

f.   New self-talk

g. Change in response

2.        Which lie do you struggle with the most?

a.  You can have it all

b. You shouldn’t have to wait for what you want

c.  My worth is determined by my performance

d. Life should be easy

e.  Life should be fair

f.   People are basically good

3.        Lies:  You can have it all and you shouldn’t have to wait for what you want.  Have you ever tried to have it all in some area of your life?  Explain.

4.        Lie:  My worth is determined by my performance.  In what areas of your life do you confuse worth with performance?

5.        Lie:  Live should be easy.  In what ways do you minimize pain and maximize pleasure in your life?

6.        Lie:  Live should be fair.  Have you been holding unto resentment toward someone for their unfair treatment?  Are you ready to forgive and let it go?

7.        Lie:  People are basically good.  Is this a lie you have believed?  Is there a particular person in your life that proved this to be false?