Soul Detox L7 - Geen with Envy by Robbie Sedgeman

Green with Envy

“Envy is the art of counting another person’s blessings instead of your own.”  Harold Coffin

It could be argued that envy started with Satan.  Isaiah 14 says that Lucifer envied God, rebelled against him and was cast out of heaven.  Perhaps Eve was feeling envy toward God, wanting his knowledge, when Satan tempted her into eating the forbidden fruit.  Envy has been with us throughout our human history and will continue to plague us until Jesus comes again to establish us anew.

The literal meaning of the Latin word ‘invidia’, from which we derive the word envy, is “to look upon with malic or resentment.”  Craig Groeschel,  in his book, ‘Soul Detox’ states it this way:  “envy is when you resent God’s goodness in other people’s lives and ignore God’s goodness in your own life.”

Let’s take a closer look at envy’s impact on our lives.

Envy’s Fruit

James 3:14-16 tells us that envy breeds evil practices of all kinds:  “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.  For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”

Envy festers in our hearts, bubbling up in evil actions of all kinds.  The Bible provides many examples.  In Genesis 4, Cain envied God’s acceptance of his brother’s sacrifice and eventually killed him.  King Saul tried to kill David when he became popular with the people of Israel (1 Sameul 18).  Joseph’s brothers were envious of their father’s love for him and sold Joseph into slavery.  And the religious leaders of the day envied Jesus’ popularity and had him crucified. 

Proverb 14:30 says that “a heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”  And Socrates gave us a graphic description of the harm that envy invokes:  “Envy is the daughter of pride, the author of murder and revenge, the perpetual tormentor of virtue.  Envy is the filthy slime of the soul, a venom, a poison which consumes the flesh and dries up the bones.  It rots us like cancer from the inside.”

To escape the destructiveness of envy’s grip, we must first recognize when we are envious and then take steps to remove the envy and replace it positive attitudes. 

Recognizing Envy

The first step in overcoming this stronghold in your life is to recognize your areas of envy.  The list of things to envy is practically never-ending, but one helpful way to identify our tendencies to envy is to look at various categories of envy:

• Material  – newer cars, bigger houses, better shoes
• Technological – more robust computers, smaller phones, bigger TVs
• Appearance - thicker hair, slimmer bodies, more muscles, fewer wrinkles
• Relational – desiring a spouse (or a better one), wanting a best friend, being closer with your children
• Life Circumstance – wanting a different or better job (or not to work) or to live somewhere else
• Spiritual – wanting someone else’ biblical knowledge, spiritual mentor or closeness to God

The advertising world reinforces all of these items.  Advertising would not be nearly as powerful a sales tool if we did not desire what others own.  And if advertising is not capitalizing on our envy, the communication industry is filling in the gap.  Movies, TV shows, books and magazine not only advertise, but the underlying themes often tap into our desires for a different life with different things or as a different person.

Digging out the roots of envy

Comparison

The quickest and surest way to rip envy and its destructive consequences from your life is to dig up and destroy this one behavior:  comparison.  Envy starts with comparison.  Instead of quietly going about our own lives, we tend to ‘look over the fence’ to see what is in our neighbor’s yard.  In John chapter 21 when Jesus was instructing Peter to follow him, Peter asked, ‘What about him,” referring to John.   Jesus basically told him to mind his own business by saying, “…what is that to you…you must follow me.”  It’s such a temptation to be concerned about what others have and do, but God tells us all to mind our own business in Galatians 6:4-5:  “Each one should test their own actions.  Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to anyone else, for each one should carry their own load.” 

So be on the alert whenever you use ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ in your thinking about others.

Coveting

But why do we look to what others have or do in the first place?  Any number of reasons can underlie our tendency to do so, such as unmet needs, dissatisfaction, discontentment and hard circumstances.  But the bottom line is that we are prone to covetousness.  That fact is evidenced by the 10^th of the Ten Commandments in Exodus chapter 20.  If God felt there was a need to specifically point out covetousness, then we must be prone to it!

The same Hebrew word for covet is translated ‘to desire’ in other verses.  There are certain things that it is good to desire, such as a closer relationship with God.  But there are also things which we should not desire.  God helps us discern between the two in his Word.  Ever since sin entered the world, confusion has spread regarding which things are good to desire and which are not, but God clearly tells us that desiring what is not ours is harmful to us.

Jealousy & Envy

There are a myriad of ideas on the differences and similarities between jealousy and envy.  I encourage you to study the two words on your own, but here are some of ideas I found. 

The definition of jealousy is to seek or desire eagerly.  That is very similar to coveting except that coveting is focused on the thing we desire and jealousy focuses on the person who has the thing we desire.  They have something we want, so we are jealous of them.  Envy takes it a step further and we resent or wish harm on the person because they have the thing we desire.  One source said that ‘envy is the propensity to view the well-being of others with distress.’  It appears to be progressively destructive.  We begin by desiring something that is not ours.  Then we see the person who has what we want and we become jealous.  Then our desire turns into envy and we want to take from them and keep for ourselves, which sounds suspiciously like one of the other 10 commandments (stealing!).  It is a vicious cycle and can overlap on itself.  But in the long run it doesn’t matter what specific word we use to describe our negative emotions – they still bring destruction and chaos rather than life and peace.

In some ways, though, the word jealous has mistakenly gotten a bad reputation.  Jealousy, when defined as ‘eagerly desiring’ is not bad in and of itself.  It is how it is directed.  For example, it is a good thing to be jealous of your good name and character.  It implies that you are actively seeking to maintain your goodness and that you guard it well with your actions.  Another example is God being jealous (Exodus 20:5).  The meaning in this context implies a strong desire or zeal for something positive.  This is similar for a wife or husband’s desire for their spouse – they want no one to come between them because it would harm the intimacy and closeness of the relationship.  God wants an intensely intimate relationship with you – so much so that he guards it against any intrusion that will interrupt that closeness.

Envy Substitutes

A time-tested method for taking us out of ourselves is to focus on the good of others.  Since envy involves almost total self-focus, intentionally doing good for others can help us to climb out of the pit of envy. 

Giving  Here’s an idea that is so opposite of what we want to do when we are envious, that it must be from God.  Who but God would give even more to someone who already has ‘everything’?  Although it might not be true, it often feels like the person we are envying has everything.  Often we envy people we don’t know well, or we don’t know them well in regards to the particular area we are envying.  Most likely, if we did, we would see there is more to the story than appears on the surface.  So get to know the person and find out what they like and need and what they are struggling with currently.  Then determine what you can do to help them.  You may be able to give them time, assistance, a listening ear or a material item.  Any act of giving will help turn your heart from envy to caring.

Thankfulness

First, make the choice to thank God for giving that person what they have and ask him to continue to provide them blessings, regardless of what you think they need or deserve.  Second, thank God for something that you have.  You can even make a list of your blessings (of all kinds) and read the list as a thank offering to God for his care.  As you acknowledge what God has done for you and thank him for what he has done for others, your focus becomes less about yourself and more about God. 

Joy

One of the most extreme Biblical examples of envy versus joy is David’s relationship with King Saul and his son, Jonathan.  When God declared David to be the rightful ruler, King Saul became bitter and envious, hunting down and trying to kill David.  Jonathan, however, had become friends with David.  And even though Jonathan could have claimed the earthly right to the throne as King Saul’s son, he did not.  Instead, he submitted to God’s desire and even helped David to escape from the grasp of Saul.  Romans 12:15 teaches us to ‘rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.’  Jonathan rejoiced with rather than envied David.  As a result, King David spared Jonathan’s son and had mercy upon him. 

Who knows the harm Jonathan could have brought upon himself if he had allowed envy to rule his heart.   And who knows what blessings you are bringing upon your own life when you choose joy.  Try congratulating someone the next time they receive what you wanted – whether it be a promotion, a material item or a relational blessing. 

Prayer

As with thankfulness, pray first for the other person and then for yourself.  It’s interesting that the following verse combines prayer, thankfulness and joy:  “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  (1 Thessalonians 5;16-18)   But God also tells us that if we are lacking something, to bring it to him in prayer.  He understands our needs, our desires and our struggles.  Prayer is important because no matter where you are right now – in want or in plenty – God’s greatest desire is to be in continual communication and union with you.  That is where comfort is found and where the peace abounds…in his presence through a never-ceasing discussion with him.

Envy is not an easy emotion to overcome.  Look for the root causes of your envy:  do you have an unmet need, is the person triggering a past hurt in your life, are you dissatisfied and ridden with anxiety?  Work with God to discover the foundation of your envy.  But while you are doing so, try thanking, praying, giving and choosing joy.  The stronghold of envy can be broken and when it is, you will be content with all the blessings God has given specifically and especially to you – because he cares for you.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.”  Psalm 34:8    

          Questions

1. Talk about the different types of envy you see working in the relationships around you.
2. Discuss the differences and similarities between envy, jealousy and coveting.
3. Do you often compare yourself with others?  Explain.
4. Share a time when you have envied someone or someone envied you.  How did it impact your relationship?
5. What do you think is the root cause of your tendency to envy?
6. Discuss the envy substitutes:  giving, thankfulness, joy and prayer and how you could apply them in your current circumstances.

SOUL DETOX: TOXIC EMOTIONS – Bitter Roots

SOUL DETOX

        TOXIC EMOTIONS – Bitter Roots

“Bitterness is like a cancer. It eats upon the host.” ~Maya Angelou

Types of Trauma/ wounds

   ‘things’ done to you.. and.. ‘the absence of good things’

Stats:  1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 4 boys suffer some sort of sexual abuse (these are reported – how many more go unreported!)

Pastor C’s story.. my story.. your story… betrayal.. sometimes even greater pain involved with the parent or other caregiver that does not protect you from the perpetrator

Vengeance… Pastor C… my story..

The root of the problem… all of us in this room would agree that my bitterness was justifiable. After what my uncle did and the harm and mess that was created from this sinful man’s behavior. Of course.. we would all like to think that my desire or anyone’s for that matter is not sinful.. right?  Right.  However.. if we allow this desire to continue to be fueled by anger, it turns into resentment and then a root of bitterness. This.. my friends.. ends up poisoning us and eventually poisoning those around us as well. Bitterness never draws us closer to God. It is nonproductive.. and is a toxic emotion rooted from unmet needs. What were my unmet needs? What are yours that keep you harboring bitterness?

Bottom line is bitterness, resentment, anger, unforgiveness punish no one but ourselves.  In fact, bitterness never works alone.. it partners up with jealousy, hatred, anger, disobedience, gossip, contempt and countless other emotions and behaviors. They rob us of our peace, hope, joy and mercy. God’s word addresses the seriousness in Hebrews 12:14 – 15  “¹⁴ Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵ See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Be on guard for the root of bitterness! It works underground – no one initially sees it or knows it is there. We can really fool ourselves and others for quite some time but eventually…it starts to boil and it eventually poisons our hearts.

Be on your guard. Bitterness can grow from a hurt that hasn’t been dealt with properly. It’s not a sin to have emotions and responses to the wound.. however, if we don’t handle the hurt properly, their sin becomes a catalyst for our own sin. Then.. we won’t just be hurt once.. we will be hurt twice and over and over and over again.

Poison Spreads..

Pic of poison ivy   Ever have poison ivy?

Are you moving deeper into resentment or.. moving closer to forgiveness?

In relationships – the offender starts the problem…. But the one offended, if the offender has genuine repentance and is working toward healing and reconciliation, turns the shared problem/ offense into irresolvable heartache.  Let’s talk about divorce… - what did Jesus say about Moses’ day?

Pic of redwood tree again..

Remember what we discovered about the redwood trees a couple of weeks ago? The roots connect to all the other roots from other trees and plant life surrounding it. All roots, whether those of the redwood or other trees or the roots of bitterness, sustain themselves by what they absorb and the direction they grow. The absorb whatever moisture is nearby into their system. Clean water – strong and health trees. Contaminated water – diseased & unhealthy. Same for people/ us – the more we dwell on the hurt/ we absorb poison into our hearts (contaminated water).

Roots also go deep – some deeper than others. Sometimes the roots go so deep, it would be difficult to remove the tree – not that we would ever want to. But.. the root of bitterness we do.. and there will be times that it locks a person in place and makes it hard for them to move forward in life. The roots can also multiply and suck the life right out of us. In Matt 7:18, Jesus said “¹⁸ A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”   What makes the tree good or bad? The source is often found in the root – a bitter poisonous root. Heb 12:15 in the NLT says “

¹⁵ Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Bitterness destroys. Bitter deacons can split a church. Bitter moms can poison the PTA/ room mother’s association. A few bitter teens can ruin a youth group. Bitterness destroys families. It NEVER produces good results.

Of course, the bitter person can justify and blame. But the bottom line is… bitter people are always looking through the lens of hurt – all bitter people can do is find fault. Unfortunately, they may even celebrate another’s misfortunes. When something bad happens, they simply believe the person had it coming. Some have even written off entire groups of people.. ‘all women are…’   ‘all men are..’, ‘all Christians are…’

Time to root out the root of bitterness…  ever have to deal with dandelions in your yard? Or that weird stinky weed – not sure what it is called but it totally takes over your grass.

Pic of roto rooter/ weed kill

Time for roto-rooter and weed kill that goes to the root! Eph 4:31-32 says, “³¹ Get rid of^(A) all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.^{(B) 32} Be kind and compassionate to one another,^(C) forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.^(D)

The only way to kill the root of bitterness if forgiveness. Instead of the old saying ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’, lets take it a step further and say ‘treat others as Christ treats you’ – so… forgive in the same way Christ forgives you.

Of course we always want to have exceptions to God’s command. God wouldn’t require me to forgive some so horrible as ____.  Matt. 6:14-15 says “¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.^{(A) 15} But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.⁽

Perhaps the first step you need to take is that God would give you the willingness to forgive regardless of your feelings and that He would give you the willingness to at least begin the process.. because it truly is a process..

~FORGIVENESS~

Why Don’t We Forgive?

1.    We believe that a mark of spiritual maturity is to forgive quickly.   If we can’t, we believe:  “I’m defective, not spiritual enough, a failure – so why try?”

2.    Belief that if we still remember the event/offense, we haven’t forgiven.

3.    Belief that if we forgive, we are condoning evil.

4.    We forget how much we’ve been forgiven by God through Christ.

5.    We confuse forgiveness with reconciliation

·        Forgiveness is unilateral –I do it within myself – don’t need the other person

·        Reconciliation is bilateral—it requires both people to be in the process

·        I must forgive—reconciliation is optional

What Forgiveness Is Not

1.    See Above: not to be confused with reconciliation

2.    Forgiveness is not politeness or tactfulness

3.    Not Diplomacy—negotiation, peacekeeping, mediation

4.    Not passive non-response (ignore it)

5.    Does not mean we must tolerate sin – be a doormat to another’s continual sin.  “You can forgive almost anything, but if you tolerate everything someone does to you, you will make matters between you worse.  Sometimes there comes a time when you must say to another – I cannot forgive you while this continues.  It must stop or I must get out so that I can begin to forgive.  We must be intolerant of evil whether it happens to us or someone else!” From Forgive & Forget – Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve By: Lewis Smedes

6.    Withholding it does not punish the other person; actually, it punishes us. 

7.    Not an act that happens instantaneously.

What Forgiveness Is

1.    A process – God forgives in a single swoosh!  …but…we are finite, temporal creatures for whom almost everything takes time.

2.    A deliberate act of the will – purposeful, calculated, planned, considered, intended.

3.    A full pardon – cancellation – let off the hook, absolve, Romans 12:19a substitutional act – surrogate, alternate, replacement

4.    Obedience to God’s Word – agreement, submission, compliance

5.    An act of love – divine love

6.    It is the key to freedom

The Process of Forgiveness – Steps

1.    Ask the lord to reveal the names of the persons who offended you and the specific wrongs you suffered.

2.    Face the hurt and the hate.  If you are going to forgive from your heart, you must let God search the depths of your heart.

Note:  If the word or topic of forgiveness triggers fear or panic in you, you may have to stay right here on Step #2 for awhile – grieve the losses.  Deal with the memories, the feelings.

3.    Acknowledge the significance of the cross.  It is the cross of Christ that makes forgiveness morally right.  Remember its significance for your own sin and forgiveness.

4.    Decide that you will not retaliate by using the information about the offender’s sin against them.  (Luke 6:27-34)

5.    Make the decision to forgive – a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook for specific wrongs suffered release the debt.

6.    Take the list to God and pray the following as He leads: “I forgive _____(name) for ______(specifically--every remembered pain)”.

7.    Destroy the list or do something symbolic (write a letter) that will remind you of the step you took to forgive.  Remember:  your forgiveness is between you and God unless the offender has asked for your forgiveness.  Or……confrontation is involved.

8.    Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other person.  Instead, pray for them.  Matthew 5:44

9.    Try to understand the people you have forgiven.  They may have been victims also (don’t excuse the behavior – this minimizes the act – the depth of forgiveness).  Try to see the good in them.  Note: understanding them is not always a precursor to forgiving as some believe.

10.                       Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained by going through this process.  Freedom is the result of forgiveness in you.  In time, you will be able to think about the people who offended you without feeling hurt or anger.

11.                       When appropriate, accept your part of the blame for the offenses you 

suffered.  Confess your failure to God and to others (1John 1:9) and realize that if someone has something against you, you must go to that person (Matthew 5:23-26)

Mark Twain said: “forgiveness is the fragrance that the flower leaves on the heel of the one who crushed it”.

Completed Forgiveness:  When your feelings have been transformed into a desire for the person’s blessing and their change. When you can see the person who harmed you and not feel all you felt before.  When you are more concerned about the person’s well-being and where he/she will spend eternity than about the wrong that was done to you.

Stories – SW – Pastor C: co-worker/ friend suicide

SOUL DETOX – TOXIC EMOTIONS – Bitter Roots

GROUP WORK

Have you ever hung on to anger that turned to resentment and then bitterness?  Share your experience.  Are you wrestling with bitterness right now?  Share.

“In relationships – the offender starts the problem…. But the one offended, (if the offender has genuine repentance and is working toward healing and reconciliation), turns the shared problem/ offense into irresolvable heartache.”  RESPOND – THOUGHTS?

What are some of the ‘wrong’ teachings you have heard about forgiveness in the past?

Was there new information or any ‘ah ha’ moments from the material presented tonight?  Share.  Discuss the importance of detoxing our anger, resentment and bitterness.

Soul Detox L5 - Uncovering our Hidden Sins w/ Robbie Sedgeman

Uncovering our Hidden Sins

Ever been caught in a little white lie?  How about a big black one?  We all have because we are all human.  But our natural tendency is to deny what we have done.  Even if our action was a mistake and done in innocence, we still deny it.  The irony is that making a mistake is not necessarily sinning, but once we lie to cover it up, we enter the sin-world first introduced by Adam and Eve.  Genesis chapters 2 and 3 reveal that God told Adam and Eve they could eat from any tree in the garden except for the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  So, of course, they ate from the forbidden tree.  When they realized what they had done and they heard God coming to talk with them, ‘they hid from the Lord God among the trees in the garden’ (Genesis 3:9).

I bet anxiety first made its way into the human heart during that time.  Adam and Eve knew God had told them not to eat from the tree, but they ate anyway and already they sensed changes going on in their minds and the world around them.    Uncertainty and a negative kind of change entered the world.  Perhaps their thoughts were something like this:

Oh, no, we’re naked!  We weren’t naked before we ate the fruit of that tree.  Look – the animals are naked, too!  But, but…I think that’s OK.  I don’t think it’s OK for us to be naked, though.  Quick, let’s sew some fig leaves together to cover ourselves.  What is going on?  What is happening to us?  Remember how God said we would die if we ate that fruit?  What does it mean to die? What will happen?  I don’t like this.  And this feeling…this awful gnawing in my stomach at the thought of what God will say when he sees us.  Where did this awful feeling come from?  Wait!  Do you hear that!  Oh, no, it’s God!  He’s coming to see us!  I used to love it when he came to see us, but now…well….quick, quick, hide…there in trees.  Maybe he won’t see us.  Maybe he won’t know what we’ve done.

We think we are covering it up, but God knows.  Numbers 32:23 says “You may be sure that your sin will find you out.”  That’s exactly what happened to Adam and Eve.  God asked them, ‘What is this you have done?’ (Genesis 3:13)  He knew what they did, but was giving them an opportunity to confess.  Instead, they started blaming everyone but themselves.  Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent.  Trying to hide the sin and then blaming someone else for it only makes a bad situation worse.   Adam and Eve did not make their sin less harmful when they tried to hide it and when they blamed others – they extended their failure.

Perhaps they thought their lies would smooth things over and God would overlook their disobedience.  Don’t we do the same?   We don’t want to make others, or ourselves, uncomfortable.  We wait for it to ‘blow over.’  Perhaps it is the easiest route in short term, but it does not get the best results.  We are left with an underlying uneasiness because we know what we have done.  And the lie will come out in the long run, be it now or on judgment day.  It hangs over our heads until the lie is exposed.  So, for our own good, God commands us to confess – to stop the ‘con’ and ‘fess’ up – to ourselves, God and others.

Confess to Self

The hardest step can often be admitting our failures to ourselves.  There are a variety of reasons we choose to stay in denial, but here are the primary ones.

1. We do not want to stop what we are doing.  Sin feels good.  There is an appeal to it.  After all, we are not tempted to eat a bowl of dirt.  But that double chocolate chip brownie is a different story.  If it wasn’t appealing, we wouldn’t be tempted.  And our culture does not promote delayed gratification.  Instead of thinking of the long-term impact of our actions, we focus on how we feel right now.  In one of his sermons, Pastor John MacArthur said that he sometimes denies himself dessert in order to practice self-denial and not to gratify the desires of the flesh’s every whim.
2. We do not want to feel the pain we are numbing.  In many instances, we are using the pleasures of the moment to numb the pain.  No one starts life thinking they are going to be a drug addict.  The drug makes them feel good for a moment, forgetting the pain of loss or rejection or shame or harm done to them.  The more we take the drug, the deeper the pain recedes.  We may even believe the pain has dissolved along with the drug.  But it doesn’t, which is why we need an endless supply of the drug in order to keep the pain away.  Keep in mind that the drug is anything that temporarily elevates our sense of well-being:  food, shopping, adventure, pornography, work, attention from others, tv, reading.  Satan in clever and the list is endless.  The desire to numb the pain can be so strong that we may blind ourselves to the destructiveness of our behavior.  It often takes another person to point out to us the harm we are doing in our lives.
3. We cannot bear to admit who we are.  We are human and will make mistakes, but we have a hard time admitting it.  Sometimes our pride is driving us.  At other times, we really do believe we are ‘lower than worm sweat’ and that our mistakes prove our shame and guilt.  Most times it is a combination of both.  But Satan’s lies that we are ‘a mistake’ or ‘not good enough’ often overrides the truth that we all mistakes and are still of infinite worth in God’s sight.

One sobering thought is that God says we are calling him a liar if we do not admit our sin.  1 John 1:8-10 says, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.”  How easy it is to confess some of our sins and change those things we would like to change.  But Jesus, who calls himself ‘the way, the truth and the life’ in John 14:6, calls us to live truth in all areas of our lives.

The first of eight principles of recovery based on the beatitudes from John Baker’s Celebrate Recovery is based on Matthew 5:3 (GNB) “Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.”  The first principle is stated as follows:  “Realize I’m not God.  I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.”

We need to step out of denial.  But how do we step out of denial if we don’t know there’s a problem?  You can use the following as a guideline to determine if there is a destructive behavior in your life you are not dealing with:

• Compare your behaviors to the bible – examples:  do you gossip to feel better about yourself, do you stretch the truth in your favor, do you watch shows you feel guilty about watching?
• Inconsistent behavior – examples:  you act one way on Saturday night and another way on Sunday morning; you have two sets of friends for two kinds of activities; you curse when you are alone but not when you are around other people
• You struggle to control yourself in specific areas, such as spending, eating, drinking, always working
• You conceal your actions – lying about where you went, throwing away all the candy or food wrappers before your spouse gets home, hiding your reading materials
• A behavior keeps ‘eating at you’  You may have recognized and dealt with a specific behavior or word or action, but it keeps recurring.  God’s small, still voice keeps bringing it back up again.  There may be more going on than appears on the surface.  We need to be alert and discern between false guilt and God’s conviction.  But if it keeps coming to mind, something needs to be dealt with, even if it is the false guilt.
• Someone has confronted you with your behavior.  Although we need to be discerning because not everything someone confronts us with is truth, we should be open enough to listen and to consider their position.
• Some area of your life is unmanageable.  I’ve known many alcoholics who claim they do not have a problem because they can hold down a job and take care of the basic necessities of life.  But their emotions and relationships with others were in shambles and they could not resist the bottle.  Those areas of their lives were unmanageable.

One motivation for being honest with yourself is to consider those you may be harming by your behavior.  None of us live in a vacuum.  Our behaviors impact other people.  Here are some examples.  The addicted often spread havoc in the lives of their loved ones.  And codependents rob the addicted of the dignity of making their own choices and taking care of themselves.  The lie you tell to ‘keep the peace’ is preventing another person from making a well-rounded decision based on all the facts.  Your family doesn’t want the extra birthday presents you buy them with all the money you are making from your overtime.  They rather spend time with you.  The list could go on and on.  The bottom line is that our actions do have an effect on others.

Consider taking an inventory of your behavior.  Spend some time prayerfully and thoughtfully considering what you do and why you do it.  Talk to a trusted friend and ask them if they see any destructive pattern of behavior in your life.

Or perhaps you are on the other end of the spectrum right now and feel a prompting to confront someone else about their destructive behavior.  Obtain wise counsel on how to approach the person and prayerfully consider what you will say.  No matter how they respond, remember that you are lovingly giving them an opportunity to change for the better.  These are Paul’s words from 2 Corinthians 7:8-10 after he confronted the Corinthians with their negative behavior:  “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it.  Though I did regret it – I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while – yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

Confess to God

After we admit our negative behavior to ourselves, we can then admit them to God.  Ironically, he is the one prompting us to admit them to ourselves, but he still calls us to confess our sin to him.  It is important to do so because we need his forgiveness and open communication with him, which leads the way to a more intimate relationship.  Also, in order to follow him and his ways, we need to agree with him and his ways.  Can you imagine closely following someone you don’t agree with?  It would not be possible to live in harmony or peace with that person if you were always at odds about ideas, actions and concepts.

Repentance is the biblical term for agreeing with God that our way is the wrong way and his way is the right way.  But it is more than sorrow for getting caught.  And it is deeper than grieving for the consequences of what we have done.  The ‘re’ in repentance means to ‘turn back’ and ‘pent’ refers to ‘that which is highest.’   We are to turn back to God’s way of living, which is the highest and best way of living.  According to that definition, we may even be called to repent for actions that seem to have a positive outcome.

While requiring full disclosure, God also reminds us that nothing we have done will separate us when we repent and follow him.  From the smallest to the largest of sins, Micah 7:19 reminds us that “you will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.”  God so deeply desires an intimate relationship with you that he will ‘hurl’ your sin into the sea!  And he does it for his sake, so that he can be close to you.  “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers them no more.” Isaiah 43:25

Confess to Another

Confessing to another person is an often-overlooked important step.  Sometimes it is deliberately overlooked because it is difficult to admit our failures to another person.  Sometimes it is overlooked because we do not realize God tells us to confess to each other.  Or perhaps we simply do not realize the benefits of doing so.  We often experience a break-through that can only be received by confessing to another person.  James 5:16 says to ‘confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.’  Confessing to God brings forgiveness.  Confessing to another person brings healing.  In his book Soul Detox, Craig Groescel, says it this way: 

“You might be tempted to think, ‘I can just confess my sin to God – that’s all I need to do.’  If your goal is forgiveness only, then you are right.  But if you’d like strength and encouragement to overcome falling into the same sinful trap, remember our loving God loves to work through his people.  As I implied earlier, if you are trapped in a habitual sin, chances are good you need God’s help through his people.”

Take some time to decide exactly what you need to confess.  Not every little detail of every action requires confession.  If this step is especially difficult for you, write out your confession and simply read it aloud.  Choose a quiet, private place where you will not worry about being overheard.  You can also set some ground rules, such as asking the person to whom you are confessing to refrain from making comments or asking questions.  This is your confession.  Confess in a way that makes you feel most comfortable.

Most important, be discerning in who you decide to confide in.  Not everyone needs to know everything.  For your own well-being, prayerfully consider your options.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

1. It this person judgmental and critical or empathetic and caring?
2. Has he/she gone through the process of confession themselves?
3. Are they safe and able to keep confidences?
4. Would confessing harm them in any way?

You may also be prompted to apologize to someone who was harmed from your actions.   In this instance, it is especially important to consider the well-being of that person.  If further harm will come to them from your confession – do not ask for their forgiveness.  Seek Godly counsel and be especially diligent in prayer about this situation.  Remember, ultimately your actions are between you and God.  He has forgiven you.  You do not need the forgiveness of the person you have harmed.  Seek it only when clearly directed by God to do so and when doing so will bring a benefit to them.

If you feel stuck in a destructive behavior and have not gone through the process of confessing to yourself, to God and to another person, consider doing so now.  God’s Word says that you won’t regret it!

“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but he one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”  Proverbs 28:13

         
Questions

1. Discuss a time when you made a mistake or sinned and didn’t want anyone to find out.  What did you do to try to hide it?
2. Discuss your primary reason for staying in denial:  (1) you simply want to continue in your sin (2) you do not want to feel the underlying pain your sin is numbing (3) you are ashamed of who it will reveal you to be or (4) other.
3. How do you typically handle constructive criticism?  Are you open to it or resistant? Explain.
4. Is there someone you need to confront with a destructive pattern in their life?  What steps will you take in preparation for that discussion?
5. What value do you see in confessing your sins?    Discuss any resistance you may have to confessing your sins to another person.
6. Is there someone you need to ask forgiveness from?  Are you willing to do so?

Soul Detox L4 - The Power of Words

SOUL DETOX 

Listen to audio for details...

 

The Power of Words – pic

“Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness.” – Mother Teresa

Sticks and Stones

“….. may break my bones but words will never hurt me”… NOT!   Maybe it should be more like Craig G says “sticks and stones can bruise your body for a few days, but words can scar your soul for life’.. I think that is more accurate.  Cuts, scrapes and bruises will heal in days or weeks.. even a broken bone. But words….some can stay with us for a life time.

My 6^th grade story…

Like a bomb that annihilates human life, words can devastate. Our body may remain unharmed, but our heart suffers the deadly shrapnel of painful phrases/ words. King David wrote in Ps 64:3 “They sharpen their tongues like swords^(A)and aim cruel words like deadly arrows.^(B)”

Everyone in this room can probably recall the pain of someone’s harsh words scalding your soul. Maybe many of us still hear messages from years ago, playing an endless loop in our minds… our minds are like a computer.. they are like a recording device.. however, nothing that goes in, ever gets removed/ deleted.  Oh how I wish we had a delete button for memories and hurtful words!

Picture here

Words/ statements like:

-         you’ll never amount to anything

-         I wish I never had you

-         You’re nothing like your brother

-         I’m sick of you

-         I never loved you

-         You’ll never change

Even tho we cannot hit the delete button for these statements… we CAN offset them by words of truth, hope and love. The right words at the right time can be helpful, healing, and life transforming. Prv 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death,^(A)and those who love it will eat its fruit.^(B)

Words are powerful beyond imagination… What has your experience been in offering encouraging, hope-filled, complimentary words of blessing these last few weeks… What has the impact been on those around you?

God created the world – how? With His words! God said, “let there be….” And there was…  Words have power. Godly words can revive, heal and change our lives. Ungodly words have the power to bind, imprison, hurt, damage, literally destroy.

From Soul Detox:

Creative words create

Destructive words destroy

Hurtful words crush

Helpful words build up

Toxic words poison

Soothing words heal

Faith-filled words bring life

Faithless words bring death (death of hope)

We have choices every day. When we hear the words of others, we can choose to ‘receive’ them as truth or reject them as lies – shield of faith we discussed a couple of weeks ago – create the image of plexus glass in front of you. – guard your heart.

Every time we open our mouths to utter a word, we have the opportunity to speak life or take it.. rob people of hope.. rob them of their dreams.. rob them of truth..  How are you doing?

Thumper pic - “Like Mama always says.. if you can’t say somethin’ nice.. don’t say nothin’ at all”. (paraphrase)

Both Sides of your Mouth

Prv 12:18 “The words of the reckless pierce like swords,^(A)but the tongue of the wise brings healing.^(B)

What are reckless words? They are the ones that as soon as they come out of your mouth you wish you could take them back.

Pic of toothpaste being squeezed out

They are the words that are filled with bitter, painful, cancerous messages that leave people sick and wounded.  Prv 15:4 “The soothing tongue^(A) is a tree of life,^(B)but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.^(C)

Pic of redwood tree

The redwood tree can grow over 300 feet tall, and live for over 2000 years--but it cannot stand alone. Beneath the surface of every redwood is a vast, intertwining root network that connects each tree to its neighbor. When the storms blow against the redwood, it is able to survive and will continues to thrive because it relies upon the strength of the whole forest. TOGETHER, we are stronger! The beauty of God's message through nature!

Positive words plant seeds for beautiful trees. Deceptive words poison others like weed killer.

Some of the phrases that impacted us negatively were not necessarily done with malice.. For example “Did you mean to do that that way?” “WOW.. who did your hair?” “You’re not married yet – why not?”  “Hmmm.. I thought you would do much better than that”.

With all the negative, joy depleting words we have all rec’d.. my hope and prayer is that we can also remember some of the life-giving words that God provided just in the right moment.. to help us hang on… maybe from a teacher, a coach, a friend, a friend’s parent, a neighbor… healing, uplifting words like: “I believe in you”. “I am so proud of you”. I am more thankful for you than you could ever know”. “If I had the chance to choose all over again, I’d still choose you”…….  Healing, supportive words spoken at just the right time…

Words that are gracious words like honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones… like it says in Prv 16:24.

Right now.. I hope there are people in your life whose words keep you going – those who remind you who you are and what you have in Christ. When others criticize you, they bless you with words of life and encouragement. We have to make a conscious decision to reject the toxic words of people and embrace God’s affirmation by His Spirit – His truth – His word.

Pic of gal being wrapped in God’s word

When someone says something to or about you, train yourself to categorize the words the same way we train our kids with the game – truth or trash.

Slide that says truth? Or trash?   Trash can and a Bible maybe????

Analyze the message and source before swallowing and digesting what someone else wants to feed you.

Are their words true? Go before God and ask for confirmation..

Are they based on God’s word?

Is what they are saying supported by data over time?

What do you sense the person’s motives are in sharing this with you? – do you believe they have your best interest at heart? – they genuinely care about you and your personal growth?  Or… do they have something to gain?  It’s more about them and how they feel rather than the opportunity for your growth.

When I talked about this 2 weeks ago, I talked about allowing people to speak into your lives .. asking those close to you to challenge and confront you.. hold you accountable. There are those that will come your way that want to do this that have not been invited by you to do so… that does not mean that you discount or disregard what they are saying to you.. it simply means you need to take the questions above and put their comments to the test. 

There are times when God will use people very unexpected to convict us but more often than not, it will come from those we have respect for and those we know genuinely love and want God’s best for our lives.

Choose Life..

The last few weeks I have asked all of you to bless others with your words. When you think something good.. say it. Bless others and even yourself for that matter with positive words all day long. Make a quick call.. send a text or email… simply saying “I was just thinking about you”. Say I love you’s… I appreciate you.. I miss you…I admire you.. I adore you..  of course.. be careful you’re sending these things to the right person.. LOL!  Can you imagine your boss getting a text from you saying.. “just want you to know how much I adore you”.. ha..     We can NEVER offer TOO MUCH encouragement!

Everyone here probably knows someone or maybe it is you.. who is struggling in a relationship. If so.. I guarantee you.. it is filled with toxic words – maybe even to the point of being verbal abuse.

Words matter… either they are taking life or giving life.  Choose LIFE!

As we consider our self-talk we need to understand that what we say to ourselves could literally be limiting our future. The words we speak to ourselves can become our self-fulfilling prophecy.

Pic of basketball player

 It is a proven fact that…An athlete is more likely to make the shot after visualizing making it… and more likely to miss it after visualizing a miss. Our words – external and internal are absorbed.. and they have the capability of shaping our future!  So.. start giving life-giving words to yourself – even out loud! Speak God’s word out loud!

Mark 11:23 says “²³ “Truly^[a] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.^(A)

Then.. a pic of a mountain

Notice how Jesus emphasizes the power of what we say, In this case, to a mountain. Talk to the mountain – maybe it’s time to stop talking ‘about’ the mountain and talk ‘to’ it!  What’s your mountain?

Biblical Example – David – remember Goliath?

1Sam 17:45-46 “⁴⁵ David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin,^(A) but I come against you in the name^(B) of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.^{(C) 46} This day the Lord will deliver^(D) you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses^(E) of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world^(F) will know that there is a God in Israel.^(G)

If we are facing a giant or a mountain in our lives right now… maybe it’s time to tell our opposition, “You are not bigger than my God, with God’s help I WILL defeat you”…     Possible exercise here

Homework:  Pastor CG gave this assignment to a man who came in for pastoral care and counseling who was suicidal… I think we need to take the challenge but I will go easy on you:

This week – write down 50 reasons why you should live – not just exist – but really LIVE!   Pastor CG had the guy write 100 reasons… several months later the guy moved and he lost track of him.  Many years passed and 1 day the man walked up to him after church with tears in his eyes thanking him for that assignment.. reaching into his wallet handing him the list of 100 expressing the fact that he did not need the list any longer.. God had written hundreds more reasons on his heart.

Let’s speak to our mountains.. let’s speak truth over our lives.. and let’s support it with reasons to LIVE!  Not settling for mediocrity any longer… let’s choose to really LIVE!  We have the power to create life through our words…  Let’s do it!

“I have all that I need. Christ is my sufficiency”

I have all the faith I need for this. This giant will be defeated by my God!

Today.. God will give me victory!

God is my source of joy and peace!  Etc etc etc etc….

LIVE!

SOUL DETOX – The Power of words

GROUP WORK

Toxic words are words that wound and distort truth. Which relationships have been sources of toxic words in your life? 

Parent    Teacher   grandparent   sibling   friend    pastor   son  daughter    boss    colleague  neighbor  spouse  extended family member   other…

Of the above, which stand out the most to you? Pick 3.. then share at least 1 with the group – what were the toxic words and what is the impact those words have had on you?  Take the time to work through the rest this next week.

Share a time that you were given healing words that changed your life.

What are some other phrases etched in your memory that have shaped your life?  Good and bad…

Possibly Do the handout exercise this week as homework and the 50 list