THE HEART
AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE –GENDER/MARITAL LIES
Satan is the Father of Lies – to believe and live
out lies means we are following him not God! – This validates the importance of
doing a daily truth workout. There are daily victories over lies that we can
consistently have.
GENDER
LIES A few examples…
·
Women
are not equipped nor should they ever lead – they are created to be followers
not leaders
·
Men
do not have the capacity to be as emotional as women
·
Women
are more easily deceived than men
·
A
man needs to ‘cover’ a woman in her ministry and activities
·
Men
are analytical, love sports & lack nurturing capabilities
And more... ..
most women love to shop, have babies, cook and stay home.. men love the remote
control, tv, sports and being in a man cave…
NOT!
What kind
of negative impact do gender lies create?
Conclusions/ ideas on audio
Let’s look
at a few of the lies in detail… gender lies and relationship/ marital lies
Lie #1
Women are not equipped nor should they ever lead – they are created to be
followers not leaders
Did Jesus
believe women could lead?
Luke
8:1-3
See Acts
1:4-5
Acts 2:17 – If Christ commissioned solely men to the ministry of the gospel,
why did He send the power for that mission upon both men and women?
Examples: Samaritan woman (John 4:7-42) vs 39
Mary of
Bethany (see Matthew 26:6-13)
Matthew 26:13
The
Gospel Empowers Women
Biblical
Examples:
Miriam
(see Micah 6:4 & Exodus 15:20)
Deborah
(see Judges 4 and 5)
Huldah
(see 2 Kings 22)
Esther –
(see Esther 4)
Phoebe –
(see romans 16)
Priscilla
(see Acts 18)
Philip’s
daughters (see Acts 21) - prophetesses
Lie #2 Women are
more easily deceived than men
Can we blame Eve for everything?
Lie #4 Women must obediently submit to their husbands in all
situations
God opposes violence (see Prov 21:7, Ez 45:9)
Malachi 2:16
Malachi 2:17
(see Matthew
20:25-26)
Eph 5:21
Eph 4:22-23
the word ‘hupotasso’: to
identify with
Galatians 3:28
There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor
free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Relationship /
Marital Lies
“To
understand the realities of the marital relationship, it is essential fist to
recognize the unrealities.”
William
Lederer & Don Jackson
Have you
ever noticed how people seem to change over time? Sue’s husband, Steve, was handsome and
attentive when they got engaged. But
after being married a few years, he turned into a vain, controlling,
egomaniac. While they were dating, Steve
liked how stylish, smart and fun Sue was to be around. Somewhere along the way, though, she turned
into a materialistic, attention-seeking, know-it-all. How in the world did they not see the true
person before they decided to commit to each other for life? How about you - how has your spouse changed
over time?
While
it’s true that we all change, most often the change is in our perceptions of
another’s characteristics. There are two
sides to every characteristic we have.
In the beginning of a relationship we tend to see only the good. After marriage and a few children, our focus
easily turns to the negative.
And it’s
not just in marital relationships – it is the same with all relationships. So, whether you’d like to improve your
relationship with a spouse, a friend, a neighbor or a co-worker, you need to
root out the lies you believe and replace them with God’s truth.
Lie: All my marital problems are my spouse’s
fault.
This lie
is essentially the ‘blame game’-it focuses on how prone we are to blame our
spouse or good friend when our relationship goes awry. One clue to determining if you are falling
into this lie is to pay attention to how often you say ‘always’, ‘never’, or
some other absolute. “She never cares
about what I’d like to do.” “He never
helps around here.” “I wish just once he
would show me a little appreciation.”
What we
often forget is that it takes two to create a relationship. In a marriage, two people come together with all
their strengths and weaknesses to create one marriage. Genesis 2:24 says, “…a man will leave his father and mother and be
united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” It is impossible for the characteristics of
that combined relationship to be influenced totally and completing by only one
person. Deep down we know this, but it
is much easier in the short run to turn outward and look at our spouse’s faults
rather than doing the hard, and often painful, work of looking inward to our
own hearts, hurts, habits and hang-ups.
The problem with taking the short-term approach is that it leaves our
relationship and our state of mind in the exact same spot year after year, with
no chance for improvement. And that is a
losing proposition for the long term.
It is
true that a specific problem may be caused by the actions of one spouse. However, even then the other spouse plays a
role in the resolution of the issue. Our
reactions to another’s negative behavior impacts how we move forward in that
circumstance, both as an individual and as a couple. We can choose to default to our own negative
behaviors or we can face the problem head-on with help from God and assistance
from wise counsel.
We are
not victims in our relationships. Romans
8:31 says “What, then,
shall we say in response to these things?
If God is for us, who can be against us?” We can choose how to how to respond to
someone else’s behavior. If you find
your life spiraling out of control, step back and take some time to evaluate
how you are responding to the situation.
Are your actions contributing to the chaos? Although it can be hard to see, please know
that you have options in how you respond, most likely options you can’t imagine
right now. Seek them out. Make it your goal to respond to the situation
in a Godly way. Perhaps it’s time to
pour out your heart to God and wait for him open up doors for you. One of the ways he does that is through
support groups. Consider joining one
with people who are dealing with the same situation you are in. You will find help and hope.
Blaming
others never leads to real change.
Listen to the words of Dr. Chris Thurman: “you cannot afford to blame your emotional
reactions on external events if you want to have emotional health, develop good
relationships with others, and be mature spiritually.” As you go through your days, start paying
closer attention to when you become emotionally unstable (ie., frustration,
unhealthy anger, depression, lashing out at others) and become aware of what
caused the reaction. Then examine your
self-talk and perception of the event and explore other options for handling
that situation. Here is a reminder of
the steps you can use to go through that process. If you diligently apply yourself to this
exercise, you will start recognizing your contribution to the events in your
life.
a.
State
the event
b.
Assign
a value ($1 - $500 with $500 being an extremely emotional event like a death)
c.
Whose
fault – yours or theirs
d.
Self
talk
e.
Response
– physical & emotional
f.
New
self-talk
g.
Change
in response
Lie: My spouse can and should meet all of my needs.
This lie
falls closely on the heels of the ‘all my marital problems are my spouse’s
fault’ lie. Essentially, this lie says
that it is my spouse’s fault if my emotional needs are not met. Not only is this playing the blame game, it
is completely unrealistic. Perhaps it
would be easier if we could look to one person to meet all our needs. It would take away any work on our part and
alleviate us from responsibility for caring for ourselves. But the reality is that one person cannot
meet all of our needs – only Jesus can do that.
Think of
the vastness of our emotional needs:
attention, acceptance, appreciation, approval, affection, affirmation,
comfort, encouragement, respect, security, support, and understanding, to name
a few. Could you meet all of those needs
for another person? If you are trying to
do so – please stop. It is impossible
and leads only to disappointment and perceptions of failure.
Sometimes
it’s not our, or another’s, actions that need to change. It is our expectations that need to
change. When we face up to the fact that
it is impossible for our spouse to completely and consistently meet our needs,
we start taking responsibility for meeting them ourselves. Here’s a start:
·
Admit
you have needs - and that it hurts when
they are not met.
·
Identify
your needs – perhaps write them down.
You’ll notice that some are consistent like the need for love, but
others change from day to day, like needing support for a difficult situation.
·
Ask
your spouse if they are able and willing to meet your needs. Be specific.
·
Affirm
and appreciate your spouse when they do meet a need
·
Look
for morally appropriate relationships to meet the rest of your needs – from a
variety of people.
As you
acknowledge your specific needs and seek ways to meet them, you will find
yourself becoming emotionally more mature and able to meet others’ needs. Most importantly, look to God first for your
needs: “Now to Him who is able to do
immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine.” Ephesians 3:20
Lie: My spouse owes me for all I do
We all
keep score – whether we realize it or not.
And we want our spouse to know it when the number of our good deeds has
exceeded theirs. “I took out the trash
yesterday – couldn’t you at least have taken your dishes to the sink?” We often operate our marriages like a
business, where I do ‘x’ and you pay me by doing ‘y.’
It is
healthy and practical to have an established division of duties in a
marriage. Shared, organized tasks enable
a home to run smoothly. But this lie
goes beyond the agreement. One spouse
either agreed to do ‘more then my fair share’ or goes above and beyond initial
expectations - but not with a pure heart.
You may even be using your deeds as manipulation to extract a certain
behavior out of your spouse. That is not
out of love; it is self focused.
Deuteronomy 15:10
says “Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because
of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you
put your hand to.”
Assignment:
Over the
next week, try a new way:
·
Think
before doing – will you be resentful if your spouse does not compensate you for
your good deed? Then don’t do it. 2
Corinthians 9:7b says “The Lord loves a cheerful giver.”
·
If
you decide to complete the task, acknowledge to yourself that it was your
choice to do it and you are owed nothing in return.
·
Do
not announce your deed to your spouse.
Matthew 6:4b says “Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret,
will reward you.”
Ultimately,
we are owed absolutely nothing for all we do in our marriage. We get to be with that person and care for
them. Make it your goal to become a
person whose reward is simply in the ‘doing.’
Lie: I shouldn’t have to change who I am to make
our marriage better.
This lie
implies that we are good just the way we are and we don’t need to change, or
that we can’t change. “I’ve always been
this way and can’t do anything about it.”
“If you really loved me, you would accept me just as I am.” But we all have plenty of room for
improvement. God’s Word tells us in 1
Thessalonians 4:3 that “it is God’s will that you should be sanctified.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23 says, “May God himself, the God of peace,
sanctify you through and through.”
But
beyond our universal need to become more Christ-like, if something you are
doing is hindering your ability to be intimate with your spouse, isn’t it worth
changing? If there is an unpleasant
aspect of your personality that pushes your spouse away, you have a choice – to
hold onto your ‘quirk’ or to change it so that you can experience greater
intimacy and fullness of relationship.
We all crave peace, joy and contentment.
But they don’t come from stubbornly holding onto your character
defects. Peace, joy and contentment come
from a closer, more intimate relationship with God and with others. Now that is worth changing for!
Lie: My spouse should be like me.
At first
glance, it appears reasonable to think we should be married to someone who is
just like us. And in many ways it would
be easier – no arguments on which restaurants to go to, what to spend money on,
or what to do on a Saturday afternoon.
Of course no two people are exactly alike, but to get close to it seems
like a reasonable foundation for a marriage.
But if you really think about it, that would get a bit boring over
time. Part of the excitement of life is
the variance in ideas and actions and attitudes. If we were all exactly the same, we really
wouldn’t need or want anyone but ourselves because there would be no difference
between us!
In
addition, this is really just the flip side of the ‘I shouldn’t have to change
who I am’ lie. This lie claims that not
only should I not have to change who I am, my spouse must think, feel and act
like I do in order to be loved and accepted.
This lie says, ‘I know best how to be human’ and ‘My way is the
best.’ That is discounting the way God
made each of us – unique and varied, all reflecting different aspects of His
Being. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you
because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know
that full well.” And that applies to
everyone – including your spouse.
Lie: If our marriage takes hard work, we must not
be right for each other.
Now that
we have discussed some of the other lies, it is probably apparent why this is
simply not realistic. Our natural
tendencies are to be self focused and looking out for ourselves, even in
relationships with those we love. It
takes hard work to resist our natural tendencies and focus on others and this
could not be truer than in a marriage.
In God’s
wisdom, he uses marriage to assist us in resisting those tendencies and to
‘grow us up’ in Him. We have all heard,
and perhaps said ourselves, “They bring out the worst in me.” But that statement itself admits that we have
a ‘worst’ – that there are some behaviors and attitudes we have that do not
line up with God’s Word. If that was not
the case, there would be no ‘worst’ to bring out! So, that leaves us with a choice: continue to act in an undesirable manner,
blaming our spouse for it or face our behavior and take steps to change
it.
God, in a
way that only He could think of, is blessing us with a spouse that is the
catalyst for making us the best person we can be! And in the long run, that benefits everyone.
“For my
thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the
Lord. “As the heavens are higher than
the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your
thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
GROUP WORK & Assignment - GENDER & RELATIONAL LIES
1. Discuss
the gender lies presented tonight and how they have personally impacted you or
those you care about/ know.
2. Share a time when you blamed your
spouse (or close friend or family member) for your emotional distress. Using the exercise below, was there another
option for thinking about and handling the situation?
a.
State
the event
b.
Assign
a value ($1 - $500 with $500 being an extremely emotional event like a death)
c.
Whose
fault – yours or theirs
d.
Self
talk
e.
Response
– physical & emotional
f.
New
self-talk
g.
Change
in response
3.
What
are some of your needs? Verbalize them
to your partner/ spouse…Remembering not all your needs can be met by them – are
there others in your life that can meet these needs? Who are they?
4.
Have
you ever done something for someone while expecting a certain behavior or
attitude in return? Share an
example.
5.
Identify
any behaviors or thinking patterns that may be pushing others away and
preventing greater intimacy in your relationships.
6.
Have
you ever had someone require you to think, feel or act as they did in order to
be accepted? Have you ever done that to
someone else?
7.
Are
you willing to do the hard work to change your relationships? Share a specific action you can take toward
that goal.
Take the
test on the following web site and bring it with you next week. www.howwelove.com... Home Page – “Take Quiz” called What’s your
style?
