Abundant Living.L10-Sponsor/AcctPrtnr w/Robbie Sedgeman

Healing Relationships

A few months ago, in our Soul Detox series, we talked about radioactive relationships, which are relationships harmful to our mental, emotional, physical or spiritual health.  We discussed some of the lies we believe that cause us to stay in harmful relationships:

·        Their behavior won’t impact me.  But 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, ‘Do not be misled; bad company corrupts good character.’ 

·        They need my help.   Jesus, however, instructs us in Matthew 7:5, ‘first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.’  (Matthew 7:5)  We need to take care of our own issues prior to presuming we can assist others.

·        Denial of the toxicity of the relationship.   But 1 Peter 5:8 tell us to us ‘Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

The scriptural basis for this series is John 10:10, ‘The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’   How better to destroy us than through relationships, especially with those closest to us?  So a large part of our healing journey to abundant living will involve an exploration of the relationships in our lives, past and present, and how they impacted us.  When we start doing our inventory in the coming weeks, part of the process will be to look at significant events in our relationships.

As surely as unsafe people and unhealthy relationships played a large part in bringing turmoil into our lives, it is also true that safe people and healthy relationships will greatly contribute to our healing process.  So, it is helpful to have guidelines to rightly discern what characteristics make up a growing person who is able to have a healthy relationship:

• Admits their faults, takes responsibility and changes behavior
• Open to feedback; humble
• Confronts in love; is neither a doormat or a dictator
• Rightly handles emotions
• Enjoys life and simple pleasures
• Rises above disappointments; realistic expectations
• Asks for forgiveness and forgives
• Consistent and confidential
• Respectful, tolerant, compassionate
• Open-minded

God does not call us to live isolation with only believers or with safe people.  And, unfortunately, the two do not always correlate – not all believers in Jesus are safe people.  It depends upon their journey in Christ and their willingness to be open and honest about and with themselves.  However, it is prudent to ensure that those who have the greatest influence on us (be it in time spent together or persuasion) are safe and healthy and working on growing in those areas.  It is especially important to keep those characteristics in mind as we explore to two specific, healthy relationships which can be of great value to you during your healing journey:  accountability partner and sponsor.  They are very different roles and we will discuss both in turn, but first, here are few reasons why it is important to have an accountability partner and sponsor:

• It is biblical.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (GNB) - “Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively.  If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, it's just too bad, because there is no one to help him.  If it is cold, two can sleep together and stay warm, but how can you keep warm by yourself?  Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break.”
• Key part of your success.  You didn’t get to where you are alone and you won’t get out of it alone.  That’s where people most often miss the mark – they believe they can heal on their own.  We cannot see clearly when we are in the midst of our trials.  We need others to point the way and keep us on track.
• Best guard against relapse.  They can see unhealthy behaviors starting to return and confront you with them.  They can speak truth into your life in a loving manner.

Sponsor

A sponsor is very similar to a mentor.  It is someone who has been where you are and has achieved a strong measure of victory in their lives.  They have been through the recovery process and are living victoriously.  A sponsor is someone who can guide you through the process and be there to provide advice, similar to a coach.  Proverbs 20:5 says, “Though good advice lies deep within a counselor’s heart, the wise man will draw it out.”  The sponsor is there to draw upon and pass on Godly principles for living and healing.

Here are some qualities to consider when looking for a sponsor:

• Living victoriously and growing in Christ
• Expresses a desire to help others live victoriously and provide Godly advice
• Compassionate and caring but not enabling
• Good listener and others-focused
• Strong enough to confront you
• Open about their own struggles

Accountability Partner

An accountability partner can be someone who is at the same level of recovery.  They may be struggling with the same issues or different issues, but you are both working towards recovery.  It can be helpful to have more than one accountability partner and to work as a team through the process.  The main goal is to encourage one another.

However, an accountability partner can be any safe person who will hold you responsible for a particular activity.  Their role is to hold you accountable for certain areas of your recovery process, such as meeting attendance, journaling or refraining from specific behaviors. 

Sponsor Vs. Accountability Partner

There are distinct differences between a sponsor and an accountability partner:

Sponsor	Accountability Partner
Discuss issues in detail; helps gain perspective	Does not advise; is aware of tendency to ‘fix’ or become codependent
Gives feedback	Listens; encourages your progress
Relates issues back to the steps of recovery	Mutual sharing on the current step
Objective; draws on experience	May not be objective – recognizes limits of understanding
Not likely to be triggered	May be triggered and must recognize it
Models a healthy lifestyle	May still be struggling
Helps you set realistic goals	Asks you to set your goals each time you meet
Meets as needed	Meets regularly
Available in crises	Available as agreed upon

Common to Both

Although a sponsor and an accountability partner play different roles, there are some aspects of those roles that are the same:

• Same sex
• Encourages you to work each step of the way
• Does not do the work for you
• Does not initiate meetings
• Prays for you
• Voluntary – the relationship can be ended by either party at any time

Engaging a Sponsor and Accountability Partner

Here are some steps you can take to finding and engaging a sponsor or accountability partner:

• Pray!!!
• Observe their behavior – do their stories resonant with you?  Can you relate to them?
• Ask to meet
• Get to know them
• Discuss needs and expectations
• Set clear guidelines on responsibilities and meeting times/length of meetings
• Be open and honest on an ongoing basis about how the relationship is going
• Prepare for refusal and do not take it personally

Having safe people and healthy relationships in your life should always be a top priority.  But there are times when you need special relationships, like sponsors and accountability partners.  These special relationships require deliberate purpose and action on your part.  It may feel uncomfortable at first if you have never engaged in these types of relationships.  But you will soon experience the tremendous blessings that these special relationships can bring into your life!

Group Work

1. Have you seen some of your relationships in a new light since starting your healing journey?  Are you better able to identify safe people and healthy relationships?
2. Discuss the differences between a sponsor and an accountability partner.
3. Discuss the benefits of having a sponsor and an accountability partner.
4. Discuss anything hindering you from obtaining a sponsor or accountability partner.
5. What are your next steps?