Types of Moms & their impact:
1. The Phantom Ps 22:9 “Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.” without this kind of trust that comes from a mom that is not the ‘phantom’ there will be a lack of attachment.. page 25 themes… Result: child cannot develop an attachment to his mother that fosters his/her emotional ability to become a truly relational person. Shallowness in relationship, aloofness, withdrawal, mistrust, hostility and aggression or… overvaluation of relationship – codependency/ people pleasing, negative relationships (abusive, etc). spiritual: trusting God, emotional: there is no expectation that good will come eventually.. because comfort and reassurance never happened from mom repeatedly.. read I hate you, don’t leave me – page 37… Process of healing: the problem isn’t that we don’t feel right. It’s that we truly aren’t right. Something is broken or undeveloped inside our heart and soul. Pain is always the sign of a deeper problem., much like a fever (thermometer) is sign of an infection. Must get to the root…. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, a bad tree cannot bear good fruit…….. be aware of your pain – it leads to the root of the problem.
2. The China Doll: Catastrophizing (simple things became a life-threatening issue), withdrawing (esp when child is emotional), over identifying, regressing (becomes a child herself), smothering & hovering, shaming, reacting in anger often Impact: anxiety/ panic, clings dependently, gets enraged - difficulty managing emotions, deep depression, care-taking, withdrawal, career snags, life skills - choke on basic life decisions, rigid thinking styles
3. The Controller – do not foster healthy independence, assertion of child’s will, intentionality (ability to initiate and follow through) and separateness (moving from ‘we’ to ‘I’). Child does not learn to say ‘no’ in a healthy way – boundaries. Struggle with identity – desires, dreams, opinions, likes and dislikes. How do they control? Mom gives silence/ ignore which is interpreted as abandonment, loss of love, rejection. She attacks/ expresses anger inappropriately. Being unaccepted is interpreted as “my individuality is the enemy, so I will destroy it” , another is a lack of healthy structure – things are unpredictable, unsafe, NOT secure. Impact on us: inability to say ‘no’, we become controlling like mom – don’t understand freedom in relationships at all, fear of intimacy and commitment – maybe you finally feel ok about ‘you’ and you don’t want to lose ‘you’, codependency – it’s a boundaries problem – shouldering responsibility of someone else and getting hurt in the process, functional problems – can’t seem to take responsibility/ ownership for our life, tasks, talents and consequences, disorganization: it has always been done ‘for you’, delay of gratification – if everything has been done for you, you can’t persevere and keep going when it just doesn’t feel good or becomes hard to reach a goal, irresponsibility, emotional problems – there’s a lot of pain associated with being controlled and the damages done – depression, powerlessness, hopelessness, addictions and impulse problems, isolation, anxiety, panic, blaming.
The way out:
Know your defining traits (get to know you)–
Extrovert or introvert, task-oriented or relationship-oriented, active or passive, review your family background and what you agree with, aspects you have adopted that are ‘not’ you, what do you like and dislike in friendships?, strengths, weaknesses, what makes you angry/ upset?
4. The Trophy – mom can’t accept and deal with the “bad” parts of me. Breeds perfectionism. She denies bad behavior/ sin.. discounts feelings ‘you are not really sad/ mad”.. discounts behavior that is unacceptable to her “your bad grades aren’t your fault, it’s that horrible school.”… this mom can create a narcissism and arrogance in the child.. child is actually forced to deny some realities about herself or take those realities to someone else besides mom. Other specific symptoms/ results: hiding failure, shame, guilt, difficulty feeling close and safe with God. Other things to help those coming from this mother in healing: confession, learn to love less than the ideal (in you and others), rework what the ideal is, accept failure, repent, pray a lot – the search for the ‘real’/ authentic self is definitely a spiritual one, respond positively to love, watch for fears and resistance to that love – embrace them, confess them to God and to others as you allow them to help you overcome.
5. The Still-the-Boss – much like the controller… this child becomes a ‘permanent child’.. if the adult child is unable to get the mom out of the parental role they desire.. they most often cut all ties.
6. The American Express – the mom who never lets go. She loves being the first source of everything for the child and into adult life. Source of wisdom, discipline, friendship, teaching, values, and many more…. It is a satisfying and rewarding role for mom – however, it is supposed to end. She has difficulty preparing her child for life, and then letting go of the life she has created. Results of this kind of mothering: “mother me, please – how dare you mother me”, “take care of me, stop controlling me.” Adult avoids adulthood in many ways.. not growing up – being consumed with hobbies or fun and resenting responsibilities, if we get close to someone that is ‘mothering’.. we will abandon that person in reliving what should have happened with mother as a healthy separation, avoidance, care-taking, sometimes trouble managing life tasks – budgeting/ finances, insurance – figure out your own vacations not relying on mom and her purse $, do your own laundry, etc, living out mom’s dream rather than your own, high codependency with mom. How to break out: set boundaries by receiving favors, not needs, decide how you will help and receive help that is healthy, learn from your anger – you have some, find it and address it