The Fabric of Healthy Relationships
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http://lifecare.sermoncampus.info/main/main/20077225
Relationships
have their basis in the Bible. Isn’t it
interesting that the first statement God made concerning the man He created
was, “Let us make man in our image” (Gen
1:26). Each of us was created to model
our life and character on the image of God.
The God that we are to reflect is a God of relationships – Father, Son
& Holy Spirit.
Then we
read “It is not good from the man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). Loneliness is the first thing that God said
was not
good….. Ecc 4:9 and 10 says, “---9 Two
are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
First
of all let’s define it/ them… What is a relationship? – It is the mutual
sharing of life between 2 people. For a
relationship to exist, there has to be “mutualability”. Each person is contributing. Both need to participate in some way or it won’t
work.
Sharing
Life = being genuine with each other.
It’s standing in front of a person and saying, “this is who I am!” NO disclaimers or apologies.
There
are different types of relationships and there are different levels of
relationships…
Casual – work, neighbors,
acquaintances, not a long-term commitment usually.
Binding Relationships – family, spouse, children, valued as permanent and
long-term – (more biology than connectedness at times for family – spiritual
family – we are all adopted)
Minimal – involve simple, surface-level interaction. Do not give or receive help, emotional support
or love from each other – could also be in the same category as casual
Moderate – have minimal’s characteristics but also includes an
emotional attachment. There is emotional bonding.. sharing hurts, concerns,
joys and needs.
Strong – difference in this one and Moderate is one word: help.
High involvement. Reaching out to
minister in some tangible way. You
provide and receive help. Emotional
support is a stronger tie than helping and yet some bypass the emotional
support and try to go to this level.
This leads to shallow relationships.
Quality – friends, spouses, parents, etc…no secrets, no barriers in
the relationship. It is built on
complete mutual trust. Feelings of
safety with each other. What you share
with each other is treated as a gift/ treasure.. (inner circle people)
Draw
& Explain circle…. Jesus as example…
discipleship, etc…
In all
of these types and levels of relationships, they can be healthy or
unhealthy…..What are the…
Essential
Components of Healthy Relationships:
Do
Brainstorming at tables then….on the board…..
I.
Individual
Emotional/ Mental health – What does that look like?
#1
Self-Awareness – How many of us take the time to periodically do a personal
inventory? Allow God to search us as
David models in Psalm 139:23-24? I challenge you to make this your prayer…The
Message reads, “Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of
what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong – then guide
me on the road to eternal life”
Let’s
look at another model in Scripture of someone who did this. And, he did this while in the depths of
emotional pain… Let’s look at Job….(Turn to….)
Job 31: 1-12
Personal (lust, lying, adultery, thought life)
13-22
Public
(treatment of others – his conduct – the poor, slaves, widows, orphans)
24-40
Spiritual (use of $$, attitudes toward
revenge, motives, hospitality, worship/ idolatry-- “we would never think of worshipping a
picture or statue but… are we giving a loved one first place in our lives?
A
relationship – that person who is #1 in our affections,
maybe
we’re worshipping money, position, power.
Perhaps our job or ministry is our top priority.
Luke
4:8 You shall worship the Lord your God and Him only you shall serve” – take
some time to examine your heart make sure that you have not become an
idolater. “An idol is anything that
takes the place of God or interferes with our relationship with Him.
#2
Maturity – Reaching one’s potential.
Developing skills, gifts & using them in a community.
#3 Wholeness:
James 1: 3-4 “because you know that the testing of your faith develops
perseverance. Perseverance must finish
its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Eph 1:4-6 (The Message) “Long before he laid
down earth’s foundation, He had us in mind; settled on us as the focus of His
love, to be made whole and holy by His love.
Components
to becoming whole
1)
Belonging
to a family: Love bonds meet
belongingness needs (we’ll talk more about this later). Increase sharing and
closeness with others. Prayerfully
consider if God is bringing someone into your life to provide some gaps in your
family of origin or in theirs?…Unhealthy Family Examples
2)
Receiving
and giving life – We all need life-giving relationships with those in other
stages of life. This helps us and them
to achieve success in the stage of life we are in. We need to know who we are and be reminded of
who we are by those that love us.
3)
Recovering from the effects of traumas – past relationships, family/
childhood experiences that have impacted us.
4)
Contributing
to a community
Bonds that
are based on Love not Fear (possible Handout
or just explain)
Interdependence
not codependency (healthy boundaries) or independence (I don’t really need you)
Five
Necessary “Have You’s” Before Marriage
1) Resolved Family conflicts? 2 Cor 5:18
2) Forgiven all your hurts? Eph 4:31-32
3) Overcome your moral conflicts?
4) Cleared your conscience before
God? Acts 24:16
5) Kept all the commitments you’ve
made the last 2 years?
Now,
let’s talk about friendship…”The next best thing to being wise oneself is to
live in a circle of those who are.” ~C.S. Lewis And… let’s face it… for those of you who
desire to be married one day.. You should be marrying your best friend.
Brainstorm….on
the board
A
friend is someone…………………
Who has
the same values I have or ones I aspire to have
(this is important and may be different for each of us – discuss being
unequally yoked · 2
Corinthians 6:14
[ Warning Against Idolatry
] Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness
and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
·
To
do things with
·
I
can tell my innermost thoughts to
·
I
can call when I’m feeling down
·
Who’ll
stand by me through thick and thin
·
Who
will always be honest with me
·
Who
cares about me
What
they provide…………
·
Advice
or information based on their knowledge and experience
·
Material
help like loans, carpools, babysitting, etc.
·
Prayer
support and spiritual guidance at times
·
Emotional
support – love, understanding, empathy
·
Companionship
– sharing time and activities together
Barriers
to friendships/ relationships……..
·
Shyness
– Research indicates that when asked if adults considered themselves shy, more
than half of all adults say ‘yes’.
·
Fear
of rejection – could be a result of personal issues that have not been
resolved. Don’t always take rejection
personal – when should you? Well….if it
keeps happening and you are the common denominator; you may be the horse that
needs a saddle…
·
Gender
issues - Men often have special problems reaching out and building
relationships -- talking about feelings
or acknowledging they need support may be difficult. And yet, they fail to realize that the
studies indicate that a man with support of true friends is less likely to
break under strain than a man who goes it alone – less sickness & disease.
·
Prejudices
– rejected a possible friend wrong age, sex, race or social status? A diverse support network is livelier, more
interesting, more fun and stronger in the long run.
10 Minutes
to do: Self-test & break
Possibly
take Feedback from group (only if there is time)
Qualities
to cultivate that will help us have lasting relationships:
1.
God
first! (and.. let Him pick your relationships) BIBLE
2.
Know
yourself & allow yourself to be known (take off the mask)
3.
Let
go of relationship fantasies – what are some? “I am going to find a cherished
best friend, one that understands me at all times, can read my mind, enjoys me
and the same things I do, they will be deeply and passionately in love and
pursuing Christ like me, THEY will be available to me whenever I need them and
be encouraging and empathetic. They’ll
always get my jokes and never be offended by any of my failures. TRUTH: There is no human being alive that can
fulfill my fantasy. There is no one that can be someone’s one and only.
4.
Let
go of Unrealistic Expectations – friends/ people we love are not able to
satisfy our insatiable soul in a lasting way… the beautiful freeing truth is
Jesus is the only one who can satisfy – He actually is the only one who is
meant to! Relationship is costly, risky. It is meant to provide a
5.
Be
flexible - SOMETHING THAT BENDS
6.
Avoid
assuming & mind reading
7.
Listen
– really listen!
8.
Diversify
your friendships – they are for mutual enjoyment
9. Don’t run away (conflict, fear – getting too close/
self-protection)
10.
Be
truthful, but kind -Be careful with truth (check your motives regularly before
speaking truth to your friend – the ‘why’ behind the desire to share something.
Caution: Words cannot be erased. We are NOT supposed to speak everything we
think.. even if it’s the truth. If things can not be shared and spoken in love,
they should not be spoken until that is possible. Be tactful, not rude. Be
honest but only to the point of being loving.
We can do great damage to one another all in the name of honesty.
11.
Have
a sense of humor – A FUNNY TOY OR STUFFED ANIMAL
12.
Learn
to be tough enough – LEATHER JACKET
13.
Swallow
your pride – let character development and refinement happen. There is no
better place for sanctification to happen than in relationships (Iron sharpens
Iron) Ask for forgiveness and own your ‘stuff’
14.
Realize
that friendship is messy (BALLED UP YARN OR SOMETHING)– anything in this life
that is worthwhile is going to be difficult/ hard at times. The blessing far
outweighs the mess.. remember that – especially when you are in the midst of a
mess/ conflict.
15.
(BIG
GREEN EYE PIC) Work through and let go of Jealousy & Envy which can cause
eventual death to relationships – God does not want us to be jealous or envious
of what someone receives or achieves or others they are in relationship with.
We are called to rejoice with them – want the best for them. Delight in one
another’s successes and blessings and be vigilant against jealousy and envy.
16. Hold your friends loosely, but hold
them - Don’t let desire for relationship (or a different kind of relationship/
closer, etc) to turn into demand. Unclench your fist – let go – enjoy what ‘is’
17. Forgive offenses as quickly as
possible – 1 Cor 13:5 – no record of wrongs…
be angry but do not sin..
strongholds… offense – word in
the scripture actually means “bait” – don’t take the bait of the offense… if
you don’t, it will fester and poison the relationship. (talk about
reconciliation)
18. Discern and break unholy soul ties
from past relationships - “Make every
effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Eph
4:3. holy bonds – David & Jonathan
1Sam 18:1 unholy bonds are described in 2 Cor 6:14, 1
Cor 6:15-16, etc....they can also be described as bonds that create
illegitimate domination – sometimes a parent-child, spouse-spouse, etc If there are forms of obsession either way, it
is possible that an unholy soul tie has been created that must be broken (this
really is pretty much like codependency but it goes beyond emotional into
affecting us spiritually as well). This could manifest in things such as a
person affecting ones feelings/ mood or threats (unspoken or spoken) These type of unholy soul ties can suck the
life out of you. What do we do? Prayer!
Understanding who we are in Christ, etc…
Sample (on your handout) from “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge “By the cross of Jesus Christ I now sever all
soul ties with ______ in the Name of Jesus. I bring the cross of Christ between
us and I bring the love of Christ between us. I send ______’s soul tie/
connection back to them and I forbid that unholy connection to me. I command my
soul to the Spirit of Jesus and release _____ to You. I entrust them to You,
Jesus. Bless them I pray; In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”
19. (Gift bag/present) Treasure the
gift – our relationships truly are just that – gifts from God!
20. The only way to have a friend is to
be one. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
A friend
is one who knows you as you are and understands where you’ve been, accepts who
you’ve become and still, gently invites you to grow. ~anonymous… BE THAT FRIEND!
Break into
groups for male/female Q&A discussions for 15 min – anything gender
specific that was not addressed that you would like info on/ discussion about..
then.. we will come back together for any general Q&A and prayer
Q&A
–index cards
How does one go deep with someone who is unable to get in touch with their feelings? Response on audio
http://lifecare.sermoncampus.info/main/main/20077225
