THE HEART
AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE – RELATING FACE TO FACE – Working through Conflict
Go over Assignment from last class: Any feedback on your experience in going
through the questions together? Did anyone have an opportunity to practice The
Comfort Circle/Cycle tool?
Tonight -
RELATING FACE TO FACE
Conflict
and problems are inevitable in any relationship. There are people coming
together with different backgrounds, understandings about things and life,
expectations, habits and needs – working through all of that to create a mutual
relationship. On top of this we have:
-
People
affected by sin
-
People
who do not love perfectly
-
People
who can be very selfish and self-protective
Let’s
first look at some areas of potential conflict specifically – what could they
be?
Brainstorm….. finances, parenting, misunderstandings with
poor communication, unresolved hurts in the relationship or from the past that
they brought into the relationship, habits, deeper emotional needs (aware &
unaware), blended family issues, step children, ex spouses…. Etc…
How do
you deal with conflict?
When
conflict cannot be resolved, it leads to hurt, frustrations, disappointment,
withdrawal, disrespect, and anger.
The
comfort circle/ cycle is a helpful tool for conflict as well as the other
issues that crop up in a relationship that you were introduced to in this class.
However,
in order to get to the resolution we long for, we need to first recognize a few
things about us personally and how we typically handle conflict.
How we
deal with conflict can result in one of two things:
The hurt
gets worse, the pain goes deeper, and the frustrations and disappointments
become greater
OR……..
There is
healing… and a movement toward oneness.
John
Gottman says “One verbal negative can wipe out the effects of five or even
twenty positives.”
By the
way… most couples don’t deal with conflicts, they:
-
never
discuss problems
-
avoid
the conflict and pretend it doesn’t exist or…
-
thrive
on conflict and communicate through yelling and screaming as a ‘normal’ part of
their relationship
-
forgive
prematurely or..… forgive one another on the surface without really dealing
with the issue (discuss forgiveness is a process – handouts)
There
seems to be 4 patterns that destroy oneness when it comes to conflict:
1.
Escalation
– upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile. Partners try
to hurt each other of hurling verbal weapons and sometimes even getting
physical – hurtful remarks usually focus on the immediate goal of piercing the
other as a way to protect oneself.
SOLUTION: 1 person backs off – say something to de-escalate – break the
negative cycle
2.
Invalidations
– Put Downs – one person subtly or directly
puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. Attack on
character.
Matthew 5:22 says “ But I
tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[a][b] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone
who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[c] is answerable to the court. And anyone who
says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. Raca is Aramaic – a term of contempt;
like calling someone worthless or ‘good for nothing’. Or…. This could also be subtly putting down
the way your partner feels – i.e, “It’s not that bad”, “Trust the Lord”,
telling them that feeling whatever they are experiencing is inappropriate. This is described by Solomon in Prv 25:20 “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,
or like vinegar poured on a wound,
is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. SOLUTION: What we all want to hear are words of encouragement. So…. Validate feelings and respect each other’s character and feelings
or like vinegar poured on a wound,
is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. SOLUTION: What we all want to hear are words of encouragement. So…. Validate feelings and respect each other’s character and feelings
3.
Negative
Interpretations – one person may consistently believe that the motives of the
other are more negative than is really the case (Mike and I gave an example of
this last week in our relationship). Negative interpretations occur when we try
to mind read and not only that but we determine what they are feeling as
well. SOLUTION: Luke 6:41-42 ““Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and
pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How
can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’
when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first
take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the
speck from your brother’s eye.
We are warned to guard against the tendency to view or
judge others harshly. Se can be wrong in our assumptions – realize this and
admit it. **We often tend to see what we EXPECT to see.
4.
Withdrawal
and Avoidance – unwilling to get into, or stay with, important discussions.
Leaving the room, shutting down, turning off the mind. Avoid certain topics all
together – if it starts to go there… they distract, change the subject. NOTE:
Most people withdraw or avoid because they do not feel safe to stay in the argument.
They are not emotionally safe. SOLUTION: Don’t allow avoidance to grow in the
relationship. If you don’t speak openly and truthfully, anger will grow – so…
speak up. If you don’t, the anger grows and the enemy gains a foothold in your
marriage – see Eph 4:25-27
Dealing
with Conflict God’s Way
-
Attack
the problem, not the person (we discussed this early in our class times
together)
-
Share
feelings
-
Guard
against misperceptions – this is one of the biggest for miscommunication and
conflict. Helpful hint – always ask for clarity. What I hear you saying is….
Then.. you need to believe that what they tell you is true. Perhaps you were
totally wrong and off base. Accept it and believe it.
-
Deal
with negative emotions
-
Listen
without getting DEFENSIVE!
1Peter
3:8-9 Finally,
all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate
and humble. 9 Do not repay evil
with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing,
because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
Conflict
+ Resolution = Intimacy
-
Stop
causing each other pain: realize that that is exactly what is happening. Is
that what you want? To cause your partner pain?
-
Stop
rehearsing the past – at some point you really have to let it go unless it is
part of the needed discussion about discovering patterns. Let go.. and trust
God!
-
Own
up to your responsibility (your part, your %)
-
Identify
recurring areas of conflict and issues - patterns
-
Build
some positive experiences – in some of your heart discussions, remember/ recall
times when you had positive experiences and resolution as well as just some
fond memories
-
Take
a time out (talked about this last week)
-
Give
each other permission to share (be patient – listen for the heart and from the
heart)
How to
minimize conflict
1.
Pray
together.
2.
Examine
your heart regularly.
Sometimes we need to come to God and
confess that our heart isn’t pure and ask Him to help with our attitude toward
the other person
3.
Spend
time together in the Word and pray together
4.
Talk
to each other – don’t allow yourselves to get too busy
5.
Make
the Lord the third partner in your relationship – He is the glue – the closer a
couple draws to God as individuals, and together, they will be drawn to each
other
6.
Set
aside time to play/ enjoy each other
7.
Ask
for help. Prv 19:20 Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.
Prv 15:22 Plans fail
for lack of counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.
but with many advisers they succeed.
8.
When
the issue cannot be resolved (there are times when it cannot), trust God to
work it out with your spouse – agree to disagree as long as it is not a big sin
issue and there is no happy medium or compromise possible.
Assignment
– handout
Next week
– Review/ Summary from classes and wrap up
