THE HEART
AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE –HOW WE LOVE
www.howwelove.com – TEST: What’s your
style?
What
determines how we love? Why every marriage gets stuck.
If we
naturally knew how to love, this class and topic would be unnecessary. Maybe
you’ve tried to change your marriage and nothing has worked.. so far… Maybe you
find yourself locked in the same tiring dance week after week, month after
month, year after year. Learning ‘how we love’ gets us to the deeper issues that
need to be changed so we can stop ‘trying’ and start ‘living and loving’ the
way Christ calls us to – a healthy way of relating.
Have you
ever heard the following in your relationship or heard this from family or
friends who come to you for support?
-
I
try hard to make you happy, but you are never satisfied.
-
I
feel like I’m walking on eggshells with you.
-
I’ve
told you over and over what I need, and you just won’t do it.
-
You
say you’re sorry, but nothing changes.
-
Why
can’t you be more spontaneous and passionate?
-
I’m
happy with the way things are. What’s the problem?
These
statements and others are steps in the same old ‘dance’. Milan and Kay Yerkovich have discovered a
revolutionary truth that will help all of us stop the dance and discover ‘how
we love’ which is an imprint that has formed our beliefs and expectations about
love from our history. Because of their work and discovery, we can learn a new
dance! But first… we have to discover why we love the way we do – discover the
source of our relational challenges which is what we have been working on from
the beginning of this class. Here is another tool they use.. and it is a
question… certainly one that sounds simple enough but a question that reveals
more about your relationship and where it is and where it is headed than any
other according to the Yerkovichs. So..
what’s the question?
-
Can
you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress? What
was that like?
We are
looking for a significant upset not just a minimal fall/ bruise, etc… ex – best friend moved away, a death in the
family, a major disappointment, etc.
3
Critical ingredients of comfort (did you receive them?):
1. Touch
2.
Listening
3. Relief
(feel seen and valued?) emotional connection was made. Felt understood
Can you
see why the above would be invaluable in marriage/ relationships?
What if
you don’t have a memory of comfort? According to the Yarkovichs, 75% of the
adults they surveyed do not have a single memory of receiving comfort from a
primary caregiver when they were children. What!? No wonder we have issues with communication
and intimacy in our marriages! We don’t
know how to ‘be’ there for one another!
The
imprints of intimacy from our first lessons of love.
In order
for us to develop the kind of love and intimacy that is available to us… it
will take sharing our history with each other. When we do this.. greater
compassion is developed as well as deeper understanding. We come to realize our
beliefs and the behaviors that need to change in order for us to relate in a
healthy way and bring comfort to one another (using the 3 critical ingredients)
- Sounds like a good assignment for this
week J
So what
does a secure love style look like? Anything different from this will indicate
our need for healing and change – which you may have already discovered through
taking the test on the web site that you brought with you.
Cycle
in a circle on whiteboard – Child’s feelings to child’s needs (recognized, welcomed, and seen)
to child’s expression (full emotional spectrum. Child learns to feel and deal
with his/ her emotions) to parental response (able to contain child’s needs,
give appropriately, offer comfort when child is distressed) to reaction (child
feels loved, seen, important, safe, whole! Brings relief, trust and respect. To
secure.. back to the top of circle…
If we did
not have this experience regularly growing up, our love style/ imprint becomes:
Pleaser,
Avoider, Vacillator, Controller or Victim
(read descriptions of each) – put a couple of words on the board for
each
When 2
people with different love styles get married/ get into relationship,
predictable patterns occur (the dance that can change). Let’s look at a few:
1.
Vacillator
with the Avoider – (read descriptions – put key words on board)
2.
Pleaser
with Vacillator
3.
Controller
with the Victim
4.
Avoider
with the Pleaser
5.
Avoider
with Avoider
6.
Vacillator
with V, Controller with Vacillator, or Controller with Controller
How to
change? While we can’t change the past,
we can control how we choose to live the rest of our lives. The key to having a
healthier relationship and happier life is breaking these negative imprints of
intimacy. Thankfully, God’s life-transforming power is available to us. He is
in the business of making new creations and forming new relational imprints in
us!
What is
that new imprint?
The Comfort Circle is
our tool (on whiteboard)
Seek
awareness (of feelings and underlying needs) to engage (with feelings and
acknowledge needs openly) to explore (the speaker’s thoughts and feelings – listening,
validating, and concluding with, ‘what do you need?’ to resolve (needs verbally
and with touch, seeking how and when needs may be met in the future) – back to
the top of circle
If there
is time… in small groups, discuss your ‘dance’ and imprints. How will you
implement the comfort circle this week?
– share a small step the group can pray about and hold you accountable
to this week.
Read 1 Corinthians 13 – how are we doing?
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is
not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude.
It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of
being wronged. 6 It does
not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never
gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every
circumstance.
Assignment:
1.
honestly
talk through the list you are being given that can help break core patterns
2.
create
a role play for Mike and Lillian to walk/ talk through next week as an example
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