HEART AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE.L6 -Investing in Your Spouse

THE HEART AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE – INVESTING IN YOUR SPOUSE

Go over Assignment from last class:

1.    honestly talk through the list you are being given that can help break core patterns

2.    create a role play for Mike and Lillian to walk/ talk through next week as an example

The Comfort Circle/Cycle is our tool (on whiteboard)

Seek awareness (of feelings and underlying needs) to engage (with feelings and acknowledge needs openly) to explore (the speaker’s thoughts and feelings – listening, validating, and concluding with, ‘what do you need?’ to resolve (needs verbally and with touch, seeking how and when needs may be met in the future)

Tonight - INVESTING IN OUR SPOUSE – Understanding and implementing more of the comfort circle/ cycle:

In order for us to properly invest in our spouse, we have to properly evaluate ourselves and our partner… We need to study our partner well.  As well as continuing to evaluate ourselves. 

Part of our evaluation: How do we deal with the hurtful behaviors and attitudes of our partner?  In every relationship there are things that our partner does that we do not like. Some things are not so serious, but we find them very annoying. Then there are times when their actions are very hurtful and even sinful. Their behavior is very damaging to the oneness of the marriage and can cause the other partner to feel unsafe to really pursue intimacy.

Example:  Mike & Lillian

So… How are we to respond to our partner’s hurtful actions? Perhaps after tolerating their hurtful behavior for a period of time, we come to the place where we say that we cannot take it any longer. Some spouses feel that the only option they have is to leave the relationship and that things will never change. If you don’t physically leave.. it may be that you emotionally leave – withdraw, put walls up, etc. Others find ways to attempt to change their partner – nagging, controlling, preaching, shaming… all in the hope that it will result in a change in the person’s behavior.

If we are currently married, we are one flesh. We have a responsibility to respond to our partner in a way that will deal with the deeper needs that will bring healing and further the oneness that God desires in our relationship.

Let’s take some time right now to evaluate the actions and attitudes or our partner that are hurtful to the relationship – things that must be attended to or the relationship will not be all that God desires. Secondly, this exercise will allow for us to examine how we respond to our partner’s hurtful behavior and whether or not that is helping or damaging the relationship even further.

Exercise/ Evaluation

Now.. let’s talk about how we respond to hurts. Is our response addressing the real underlying reasons for the behavior? We are not responsible for their behavior or responsible to fix them; however we are responsible and accountable to God for how we respond and how we love them.

Some questions to ask when we are dealing with a conflict:

1.    What do you think is behind their actions and attitudes?

2.    Are there wounds from their past that might be causing pain or emptiness?

3.    Are there any unmet needs that they are reacting to or trying to get met?

4.    What is our responsibility for loving them well when they are acting in such hurtful ways?  (speak the truth in love)

Scripture instructs us to build each other up according to their needs, that it may benefit them. In humility we should look to the interest of our spouse.

Ephesians 4:29-32 ²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Phil 2:3-4 ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

We have a responsibility to love in a way that offers healing and help them to be better – the way God designed them to be. We are to help, not harm. We don’t have the option of being selfish or make it all about ‘us’. We should help our partner with their needs and struggles. And, we need to do it in such a way that it brings healing.

It is important that this is not left to be a big guessing game. Your spouse must be willing to also take the time to reflect and figure out what is going on inside of them and verbalize it when they are ready.

If we want our partner to minister to our needs, it is necessary for us to honestly share our wounds, struggles and who we are with our partner. Our goal should be to be vulnerable - reveal ourselves, deeply desiring our partner to lovingly respond, without demanding that they respond. We should each help create a safe, non-critical acceptance that will encourage both of us to be vulnerable with each other so that we can minister to each other.

What if our spouse won’t open up?  Things to remember…

1.    We must realize that because they are made in God’s image, deep needs do exist even if they can’t verbalize them or they seem to be well hidden.

2.    We must examine ourselves to see if we are making our partner feel unsafe to open up.

3.    We must always pray for wisdom from God to understand our partner and their needs.

4.    If our spouse is unwilling to be open and share, we need to give them time to heal and respond

Treasures you can always invest:

1.    Invest time in praying for them

2.    Invest words to encourage them

3.    Invest thoughts on how they have benefited your life

4.    Invest the effort to meet a need they have

5.    Invest trust by correcting false reports about them from others – always think the best and defend your partner

6.    Invest acceptance by showing interest and concern in their personal welfare

7.    Other Ideas… ?  __________________  How can you invest in your partner?

Group Work & Discussion:  Examining the Hurts of our Partner

1 Corinthians 13 – how are we doing?

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Assignment – handout

Next week – Attachment – Relating Face to Face