HEART AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE.L7 - Relating Face-to-Face

THE HEART AND SOUL OF MARRIAGE – RELATING FACE TO FACE – Working through Conflict

Go over Assignment from last class:  Any feedback on your experience in going through the questions together? Did anyone have an opportunity to practice The Comfort Circle/Cycle tool?

Tonight - RELATING FACE TO FACE

Conflict and problems are inevitable in any relationship. There are people coming together with different backgrounds, understandings about things and life, expectations, habits and needs – working through all of that to create a mutual relationship. On top of this we have:

-        People affected by sin

-        People who do not love perfectly

-        People who can be very selfish and self-protective

Let’s first look at some areas of potential conflict specifically – what could they be?

Brainstorm…..  finances, parenting, misunderstandings with poor communication, unresolved hurts in the relationship or from the past that they brought into the relationship, habits, deeper emotional needs (aware & unaware), blended family issues, step children, ex spouses…. Etc…

How do you deal with conflict?

When conflict cannot be resolved, it leads to hurt, frustrations, disappointment, withdrawal, disrespect, and anger.

The comfort circle/ cycle is a helpful tool for conflict as well as the other issues that crop up in a relationship that you were introduced to in this class.

However, in order to get to the resolution we long for, we need to first recognize a few things about us personally and how we typically handle conflict.

How we deal with conflict can result in one of two things:

The hurt gets worse, the pain goes deeper, and the frustrations and disappointments become greater 

             OR……..

There is healing… and a movement toward oneness.

John Gottman says “One verbal negative can wipe out the effects of five or even twenty positives.”

By the way… most couples don’t deal with conflicts, they:

-        never discuss problems

-        avoid the conflict and pretend it doesn’t exist or…

-        thrive on conflict and communicate through yelling and screaming as a ‘normal’ part of their relationship

-        forgive prematurely or..… forgive one another on the surface without really dealing with the issue (discuss forgiveness is a process – handouts)

There seems to be 4 patterns that destroy oneness when it comes to conflict:

1.    Escalation – upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile. Partners try to hurt each other of hurling verbal weapons and sometimes even getting physical – hurtful remarks usually focus on the immediate goal of piercing the other as a way to protect oneself.  SOLUTION: 1 person backs off – say something to de-escalate – break the negative cycle

2.    Invalidations – Put Downs – one person subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. Attack on character.  

Matthew 5:22 says “ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister^[a][b] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’^[c] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.       Raca is Aramaic – a term of contempt; like calling someone worthless or ‘good for nothing’.     Or…. This could also be subtly putting down the way your partner feels – i.e, “It’s not that bad”, “Trust the Lord”, telling them that feeling whatever they are experiencing is inappropriate.   This is described by Solomon in Prv 25:20 “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,
    or like vinegar poured on a wound,
    is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.                  SOLUTION:  What we all want to hear are words of encouragement. So…. Validate feelings and respect each other’s character and feelings

3.    Negative Interpretations – one person may consistently believe that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case (Mike and I gave an example of this last week in our relationship). Negative interpretations occur when we try to mind read and not only that but we determine what they are feeling as well.  SOLUTION: Luke 6:41-42 ““Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴² How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.                       

We are warned to guard against the tendency to view or judge others harshly. Se can be wrong in our assumptions – realize this and admit it. **We often tend to see what we EXPECT to see.

4.    Withdrawal and Avoidance – unwilling to get into, or stay with, important discussions. Leaving the room, shutting down, turning off the mind. Avoid certain topics all together – if it starts to go there… they distract, change the subject. NOTE: Most people withdraw or avoid because they do not feel safe to stay in the argument. They are not emotionally safe. SOLUTION: Don’t allow avoidance to grow in the relationship. If you don’t speak openly and truthfully, anger will grow – so… speak up. If you don’t, the anger grows and the enemy gains a foothold in your marriage – see Eph 4:25-27

Dealing with Conflict God’s Way

-        Attack the problem, not the person (we discussed this early in our class times together)

-        Share feelings

-        Guard against misperceptions – this is one of the biggest for miscommunication and conflict. Helpful hint – always ask for clarity. What I hear you saying is…. Then.. you need to believe that what they tell you is true. Perhaps you were totally wrong and off base. Accept it and believe it.

-        Deal with negative emotions

-        Listen without getting DEFENSIVE!

1Peter 3:8-9  Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. ⁹ Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Conflict + Resolution = Intimacy

-        Stop causing each other pain: realize that that is exactly what is happening. Is that what you want? To cause your partner pain?

-        Stop rehearsing the past – at some point you really have to let it go unless it is part of the needed discussion about discovering patterns. Let go.. and trust God!

-        Own up to your responsibility (your part, your %)

-        Identify recurring areas of conflict and issues - patterns

-        Build some positive experiences – in some of your heart discussions, remember/ recall times when you had positive experiences and resolution as well as just some fond memories

-        Take a time out (talked about this last week)

-        Give each other permission to share (be patient – listen for the heart and from the heart)

How to minimize conflict

1.    Pray together.

2.    Examine your heart regularly.

    Sometimes we need to come to God and confess that our heart isn’t pure and ask Him to help with our attitude toward the other person

3.    Spend time together in the Word and pray together

4.    Talk to each other – don’t allow yourselves to get too busy

5.    Make the Lord the third partner in your relationship – He is the glue – the closer a couple draws to God as individuals, and together, they will be drawn to each other

6.    Set aside time to play/ enjoy each other

7.    Ask for help.  Prv 19:20 Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise. Prv 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel,
    but with many advisers they succeed.

8.    When the issue cannot be resolved (there are times when it cannot), trust God to work it out with your spouse – agree to disagree as long as it is not a big sin issue and there is no happy medium or compromise possible.

Assignment – handout

Next week – Review/ Summary from classes and wrap up