Relationship Lies
“To understand the realities of the marital relationship, it is essential fist to recognize the unrealities.”
William Lederer & Don Jackson
Have you ever noticed how people seem to change over time? Sue’s husband, Steve, was handsome and attentive when they got engaged. But after being married a few years, he turned into a vain, controlling, egomaniac. While they were dating, Steve liked how stylish, smart and fun Sue was to be around. Somewhere along the way, though, she turned into a materialistic, attention-seeking, know-it-all. How in the world did they not see the true person before they decided to commit to each other for life? How about you - how has your spouse changed over time?
While it’s true that we all change, most often the change is in our perceptions of another’s characteristics. There are two sides to every characteristic we have. In the beginning of a relationship we tend to see only the good. After marriage and a few children, our focus easily turns to the negative.
And it’s not just in marital relationships – it is the same with all relationships. So, whether you’d like to improve your relationship with a spouse, a friend, a neighbor or a co-worker, you need to root out the lies you believe and replace them with God’s truth. Only then can abundant living manifest itself in your life and in your relationships.
Lie: All my relationship problems are the other person’s fault.
This lie is essentially the ‘blame game’ discussed in previous talks, but it focuses on how prone we are to blame our spouse or good friend when our relationship goes awry. One clue to determining if you are falling into this lie is to pay attention to how often you say ‘always’, ‘never’, or some other absolute. “She never cares about what I’d like to do.” “He never helps around here.” “I wish just once he would show me a little appreciation.”
What we often forget is that it takes two to create a relationship. In a marriage, two people come together with all their strengths and weaknesses to create one marriage. Genesis 2:24 says, “…a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” It is impossible for the characteristics of that combined relationship to be influenced totally and completing by only one person. Deep down we know this, but it is much easier in the short run to look at the other person’s faults rather than doing the hard, and often painful, work of looking at our own hearts and behaviors. The problem with taking the short-term approach is that it leaves our relationship and our state of mind in the exact same spot year after year, with no chance for improvement. And that is a losing proposition for the long term.
It is true that a specific problem may be caused by the actions of one person. However, even then the other plays a role in the resolution of the issue. Our reactions to another’s negative behavior impacts how we move forward in that circumstance. We can choose to default to our own negative behaviors or we can face the problem head-on with help from God and assistance from wise counsel.
We are not victims in our relationships. Romans 8:31 says “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” We can choose how to how to respond to someone else’s behavior. If you find your life spiraling out of control, step back and take some time to evaluate how you are responding to the situation. Are your actions contributing to the chaos? Although it can be hard to see, please know that you have options in how you respond, most likely options you can’t imagine right now. Seek them out. Make it your goal to respond to the situation in a Godly way. Perhaps it’s time to pour out your heart to God and wait for him open up doors for you. One of the ways he does that is through support groups. Consider joining one with people who are dealing with the same situation you are in. You will find help and hope.
Blaming others never leads to real change. Listen to the words of Dr. Chris Thurman: “you cannot afford to blame your emotional reactions on eternal events if you want to have emotional health, develop good relationships with others, and be mature spiritually.” As you go through your days, start paying closer attention to when you become emotionally unstable (ie., frustration, unhealthy anger, depression, lashing out at others) and become aware of what caused the reaction. Then examine your self-talk and perception of the event and explore other options for handling that situation. Here is a reminder of the steps you can use to go through that process. If you diligently apply yourself to this exercise, you will start recognizing your contribution to the events in your life.
a. State the event
b. Assign a value ($1 - $500 with $500 being an extremely emotional event like a death)
c. Whose fault – yours or theirs
d. Self talk
e. Response – physical & emotional
f. New self-talk
g. Change in response
Lie: Someone can and should meet all of my emotional needs.
This lie falls closely on the heels of the ‘all my relationship problems are the other person’s fault’ lie. Essentially, this lie says that it is the other person’s fault if my emotional needs are not met. Not only is this playing the blame game, it is completely unrealistic. Perhaps it would be easier if we could look to one person to meet all our needs. It would take away any work on our part and alleviate us from responsibility for caring for ourselves. But the reality is that one person cannot meet all of our needs – only Jesus can do that.
Think of the vastness of our emotional needs: attention, acceptance, appreciation, approval, affection, affirmation, comfort, encouragement, respect, security, support, and understanding, to name a few. Could you meet all of those needs for another person? If you are trying to do so – please stop. It is impossible and leads only to disappointment and perceptions of failure.
Sometimes it’s not another’s actions that need to change. It is our expectations that need to change. When we face up to the fact that it is impossible for another person to completely and consistently meet our needs, we start taking responsibility for meeting them ourselves. Here’s a start:
- Admit you have needs - and that it hurts when they are not met.
- Identify your needs – perhaps write them down. You’ll notice that some are consistent like the need for love, but others change from day to day, like needing support for a difficult situation.
- Ask someone if they are able and willing to meet your needs. Be specific.
- Affirm and appreciate the other person when they do meet a need
- Look for morally appropriate relationships to meet the rest of your needs – from a variety of people.
As you acknowledge your specific emotional needs and seek ways to meet them, you will find yourself becoming emotionally more mature and able to meet others’ emotional needs. Most importantly, look to God first for your needs: “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine.” Ephesians 3:20
Lie: I am owed for all I do
We all keep score – whether we realize it or not. And we want people to know it when the number of our good deeds has exceeded theirs. “I picked up the gift – couldn’t you at least have been ready on time?” We often operate our relationships like a business, where I do ‘x’ and you pay me by doing ‘y.’
It is healthy and practical to have an established division of duties, especially in marriage. Shared, organized tasks enable a home to run smoothly. But this lie goes beyond the agreement. One person either agreed to do ‘more then my fair share’ or goes above and beyond initial expectations - but not with a pure heart. You may even be using your deeds as manipulation to extract a certain behavior out of someone. That is not out of love; it is self focused. Deuteronomy 15:10 says “Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.”
Over the next week, try a new way:
- Think before doing – will you be resentful if you are not compensated for your good deed? Then don’t do it. 2 Corinthians 9:7b says “The Lord loves a cheerful giver.”
- If you decide to complete the task, acknowledge to yourself that it was your choice to do it and you are owed nothing in return.
- Do not announce your deed. Matthew 6:4b says “Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
Ultimately, we are owed absolutely nothing for all we do in our relationships. We get to be in that relationship. Make it your goal to become a person whose reward is simply in the ‘doing.’
Lie: I shouldn’t have to change who I am to make our relationship better.
This lie implies that we are good just the way we are and we don’t need to change, or that we can’t change. “I’ve always been this way and can’t do anything about it.” “If you really loved me, you would accept me just as I am.” But we all have plenty of room for improvement. God’s Word tells us in 1 Thessalonians 4:3 that “it is God’s will that you should be sanctified.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23 says, “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.”
But beyond our universal need to become more Christ-like, if something you are doing is hindering your ability to be intimate, isn’t it worth changing? If there is an unpleasant aspect of your personality that pushes others away, you have a choice – to hold onto your ‘quirk’ or to change it so that you can experience greater intimacy and fullness of relationship. We all crave peace, joy and contentment. But they don’t come from stubbornly holding onto our character defects. Peace, joy and contentment come from a closer, more intimate relationship with God and with others. Now that is worth changing for!
Lie: Others should be like me.
To use marriage as an example, at first glance, it appears reasonable to think we should be married to someone who is just like us. And in many ways it would be easier – no arguments on which restaurants to go to, what to spend money on, or what to do on a Saturday afternoon. Of course no two people are exactly alike, but to get close to it seems like a reasonable foundation for a marriage or any other relationship. But if you really think about it, that would get a bit boring over time. Part of the excitement of life is the variance in ideas and actions and attitudes. If we were all exactly the same, we really wouldn’t need or want anyone but ourselves because there would be no difference between us!
In addition, this is really just the flip side of the ‘I shouldn’t have to change who I am’ lie. We are saying that others must think, feel and act like I do in order to be loved and accepted. This lie says, ‘I know best how to be human’ and ‘My way is the best.’ That is discounting the way God made each of us – unique and varied, all reflecting different aspects of His Being. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” And that applies to everyone – including your friend, sister, co-worker, neighbor and your spouse!
Lie: If the relationship takes hard work, we must not be right for each other.
Now that we have discussed some of the other lies, it is probably apparent why this is simply not realistic. Our natural tendencies are to be self focused, even in relationships with those we love. It takes hard work to resist our natural tendencies and focus on others.
In God’s wisdom, he uses relationships to assist us in resisting those tendencies and to ‘grow us up’ in Him. We have all heard, and perhaps said ourselves, “They bring out the worst in me.” But that statement itself admits that we have a ‘worst’ – that there are some behaviors and attitudes we have that do not line up with God’s Word. If that was not the case, there would be no ‘worst’ to bring out. So, that leaves us with a choice: continue to act in an undesirable manner, blaming someone for it or face our behavior and take steps to change it.
God, in a way that only He could think of, is blessing us with a friend, family member or spouse that is the catalyst for making us the best person we can be! And in the long run, that benefits everyone.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
Questions
- Share a time when you blamed someone for your emotional distress. Using the growth exercise, was there another option for thinking about and handling the situation?
- State the event
- Assign a value ($1 - $500 with $500 being an extremely emotional event like a death)
- Whose fault – yours or theirs
- Self talk
- Response – physical & emotional
- New self-talk
- Change in response
- What are some of your emotional needs? If they are not being met, can you think of people who can help meet them?
- Have you ever done something for someone while expecting a certain behavior or attitude in return? Share an example. Or share something you could do for someone in the next week, without expecting anything in return.
- Identify any behaviors or thinking patterns that may be pushing others away and preventing greater intimacy in your relationships.
- Have you ever had someone require you to think, feel or act as they did in order to be accepted? Have you ever done that to someone else?
- Are you willing to do the hard work to change your relationships? Share a specific action you can take toward that goal.
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